When my kids were younger, it seemed like they always wanted my attention.  We could do just about anything together, and they would call it their ‘best day ever.’  Remember those days?  Me too! 

But now that they’re teenagers, it’s me who has to make the effort to spend time with them.  In the blink of an eye it’s gone from them begging for my attention to me begging for theirs. 

If you’re like me and want to stay active and engaged in your teen’s life, don’t despair.  Try these tips and you’ll see an improvement in your quality time before you know it: 

Step away from the screen.  Smart phones.  E-Readers.  Computers.  TVs.  Tablets.  You name it and in this day and age we’ve got a screen that will distract us.  No matter what your vice (mine is my iPhone), it’s important to put it away while you’re interacting with your teen.  If you’re trying to spend quality time with your child, then turn off your favorite tv show, walk away from Facebook, put down the Kindle, and leave your phone on silent.  

Now, this doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t share some screen time by watching television together or enjoying a game of Words With Friends on your smart phones.  What it means is that when you are sharing time with your child, don’t let your personal screen use get in the way.  I know your kids might be texting or tweeting while you hang out with them, but set a good example and show your teens that you prioritize time with them over time with a screen.

Use your social skills.  When we interact with other adults, we typically use good manners.  Right?  We look them in the eye when we’re having a conversation, we listen attentively, we smile, and we don’t interrupt.  Why then, do we think it’s okay to abandon our social skills when spending time with our teens?  For instance, when I’m doing housework and my child walks in the room and speaks to me sometimes I don’t even look up.  I just answer them and continue doing my chores.  It’s as if all I know about etiquette doesn’t apply to my interactions with my own kids.  And quite frankly that’s sad. 

Imagine if you didn’t look your boss in the eye during a conversation at work or smile at your friend who stopped by for a chat.  We’d never do that, so it’s important for us to show the same courtesy to our children and use good conversational manners with them too.  In addition to showing our teens that we care, using good social skills provides them with a valuable example of how to behave in their personal and professional interactions with others.

Be a willing learner.   Your teen knows a lot.  A whole lot.  Let them take on the role of teacher, and I promise the two of you will grow closer.  Think of something you want to know more about and have them show you how it’s done.  For example, have you always wanted to put some of your music onto your iPhone, but are completely lost on how to do it?  Want to make a digital scrapbook from your pictures of your last family vacation but can’t figure out how?  Need to make a Power Point for a meeting but don’t have a clue as to what that even is?  Well, guess what?  Even though you might not know what to do, your teen knows how to do all these things. 

Have your child give you some tutorials and remember, you’re the student and they are the teacher.  Listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and follow their advice.  Then be grateful for their help, just like you would be thankful to a colleague, friend, or professor.  I’ve learned through the years that this is a guaranteed way to spend time with your teen, improve their self-confidence, and learn a new skill all at the same time.  Everyone wins.

With these three tips you’ll be on your way to improved interactions with your teen in no time.  Have some ideas that you’d like to share?  Feel free to comment below or share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.  When it comes to spending quality time with our teens, we all need all the help we can get!  For more tips, check out my post Bonding Activities With Your Teens.

]]> https://childpsychmom.com/quality-time-with-teens/feed/ 1 https://childpsychmom.com/screen-time-tips-for-families/ https://childpsychmom.com/screen-time-tips-for-families/#respond Thu, 08 Sep 2011 19:40:45 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=1931 According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), children over the age of two should have their screen time limited to one to two hours per day.  And kids under two should not have any screen time at all.  That’s a pretty tall order in today’s society.

Screen time used to just include the family television set in the den.  Now families have video games, handheld electronics, computers, iPods, cell phones, and portable dvd players to contend with, just to name a few.

As a child psychologist, I know that increased screen time is associated with childhood obesity, social skills deficits, and attention problems. Plus, children are often exposed to violence and other risky behaviors when watching television or playing video games, not to mention an onslaught of commercials and advertising.

But as a mom of four kids, I also know that it’s often down right impossible to keep screen time to under two hours a day.  Especially during the school year when homework assignments and projects require the use of a computer!

And truthfully, who hasn’t used some form of screen babysitting so they can put dinner on the table, help an older sibling with their homework, or keep everyone quiet so the baby can take a nap?  I know I have.

If you’re like me and find these recommendations too hard to achieve, don’t despair.  You may not be able to get your kids down to under two hours of screen time a day, but you can work towards reducing their viewing habits to a healthier level.  Here’s how:

• Monitor your own technology use.  Before tackling your children’s use (or overuse) of the screen, take a good look at your own habits.  As with most things, our children learn from watching us.  If we’re spending all of our free time watching reality shows on tv, checking Facebook on our laptop, or playing Angry Birds on our iPad, then we’re sending them the message that we’re okay with too much screen time.  You don’t need to eliminate your use of technology all together, just work towards decreasing it especially when you’re in the presence of your children.
• Make a screen free schedule.  Even though the AAP recommends two hours or less of screen time for kids a day, that might not seem doable initially for you and your kids.  Instead, try setting up chunks of time each day that are screen free at your house (for example, from 3 p.m.-7 p.m. on school nights unless it’s related to homework).  Then make sure that all members of the family follow the same guidelines, not just the kids!  Come up with some fun activities to do as a family during the screen free time, encourage your kids to play outside, have them help you with dinner, go for a family walk, or just sit and talk over a board game.
• Set up screen free zones.  Now that our kids have screens that are portable, it’s a good idea to declare some areas of your life and home to be screen free entirely.  I’m a big advocate of a screen free dinner table.  Or you could shut off the dvd player in your car for trips shorter than 30 minutes.  When you and your kids are in a screen free zone, use your time to talk instead and make sure that you follow the same rules that you establish for your kids.

So, if you’re like me and find that keeping your kids screen time to one to two hours a day is unachievable most days, don’t despair.  Follow these tips and you’ll find that you can reduce their use of television, computer time, and video games to a healthier level without having to eliminate screens from your home altogether.  While they might fight you about it at first, it won’t be long before your whole family will find out that some of their favorite family moments are shared when all of the screens are turned off.

If you feel like you’re spending too much time using technology and not enough time with your kids, try my Focused Moms Challenge to help regain your focus and get back to parenting with a purpose!

]]> https://childpsychmom.com/screen-time-tips-for-families/feed/ 0 https://childpsychmom.com/take-back-your-family-vacation/ https://childpsychmom.com/take-back-your-family-vacation/#comments Fri, 10 Jun 2011 00:10:08 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=1530 Ten years ago family vacations meant quality time spent bonding with who?  The family, of course!  A trip to the beach with the kids included kite flying, swimming, and sand castle building.  Camping meant setting up the tent in the wilderness (or the backyard) and singing songs and roasting marshmallows around the campfire.  The most technology we had with us was a flashlight!

Fast forward to today and a family vacation has a better chance of looking something like this:

You all know I’m a big fan of technology (and Best Buy!).  But it’s time families took back their vacations and put down their gadgets, even if it is just for the weekend!  Cell phones, computers, iPods, iPads, Kindles, you name it.  They’re invading our quality time with our families.  I’m not suggesting that we go cold turkey and cut ourselves off from technology this summer altogether.  I’d just rather our trips looked a little more like this instead:

Got any ideas on how to reduce your use of technology during your vacations this summer?  I for one am going to reread some of the posts from the Focused Moms Challenge to get back on track before our family travels.  What about you?  Share your ideas on how to take back our family vacations this summer.  Your idea might be just the one that helps someone focus MORE on their family during their vacation and LESS on their gadgets!

Despite that, our family makes an effort to eat together at least a few nights a week.  The food may not always be homemade or perfect, but it’s the quality time that we share around the table that makes it all worthwhile.

Studies have found lots of compelling reasons why we should all make the family dinner hour a priority.  Children of families who eat dinner together regularly are less likely to have problems with drugs and alcohol as teens.  They are more likely to get better grades.  They have improved scores in language and literacy.  Even when the families themselves are “dysfunctional,” regular family meals with quality conversation and dialogue corresponds to positive outcomes in many important areas.

At my house, here’s how we try to make family dinners a success:

1. All of us need to be there.  That’s not always possible of course, but when we can, we try to all make it a priority to sit down and eat together.
2. Everyone eats the same meal.  I have a picky eater.  I won’t name any names, but he knows who he is.  He’s 14 and has food likes (and dislikes) that continue to astound me.  But at dinner, everyone gets the same meal.  This mom is not a short order cook.  I did that for too many years and it didn’t help a thing.  If they’re hungry, then they’ll eat what’s in front of them.  There is no danger of any of my kids starving anytime soon, so don’t worry!
3. Sit at the table.  We don’t eat every meal at the kitchen table.  There are times we might even eat in the den (GASP!).  But when we are having a family dinner, we eat at the table.
4. Always say the blessing.  My kids like to say our blessing every night.  For the past few months, our 3 year old has been in charge of our dinner time prayer.  Here’s what she says, “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food.  By his hand we all are DEAD, that you Lord for our daily bread.  Amen.”  Of course, the whole table bursts into laughter, and the older three children try to teach her the important distinction between DEAD and FED.  One day she’ll learn, but until then I’m kind of enjoying her rendition.
5. No cell phones, iPods, computers, Kindles, or iPads at the table.  I like my technology.  But it needs to be somewhere besides the kitchen table.  Put them on the counter, in the bedroom, your purse, wherever.  There is no need to check you email during dinner.  Facebook status updates can wait!
6. Turn off the television.  We have a lot of televisions in our house.  More than I’d like to admit.  One of them is in the kitchen.  We watch it sometimes, but try to keep it turned off during dinner.  A few times a year we might make an exception for some extra special program.  But we’ve learned from experience that if the tv is on, there’s one thing we’re not doing and that’s talking!
7. Talk.  This is my favorite one.  We have a family ritual to get everyone talking at the table.  We go around to each member of the family and ask “How was your day today?”  And this mom requires more than “fine” as the answer!  We like to hear about their activities of the day, the best part of their day, and the worst.  Each family member (including mom and dad) takes center stage and the kids LOVE it.  Don’t get me wrong, we still have normal conversations, but this activity never fails to get each child involved.
8. Don’t get up.  If your kids are anything like mine, then they have a hard time sitting still at the dinner table.  It never ceases to amaze me how many times they get up during dinner.  My husband and I spend a lot of time saying “sit down” during dinner.  A LOT!
9. No dessert until we’re all through.  My kids like their dessert.  I don’t mind letting them have a small one if they’ve eaten their dinner.  But I don’t want them to start tearing into their dessert while their other siblings are still finishing their dinner.  Who would want to eat their green beans while their sister is eating a cookie?  It’s just not right!
10. That’s enough from me! What makes your family dinners a hit?  Comment below and let us know what works for you.  Who knows, your tip might be just the thing that will help another family start a mealtime tradition that they’ll cherish forever.

Now, I’d better sign off and fix some dinner!

Can you believe we’ve made it?  We finished the Focused Moms Challenge!  Four weeks of sacrifices, homework assignments, and learning to rethink a few things.   Four weeks of quality time spent with our children, focusing more on them and less on the distractions of the day.  A lot of steps forward, with a few steps back.  I don’t know know about you, but it’s been one of the most eye opening months of my life!

During this final week, our challenge was to “Never Step Into the Path of a Moving Vehicle.”  Seems like obvious advice for a pedestrian, but sometimes we all just seem to forget to use our common sense.  Here are my confessions of the successes and the struggles at my house:

Is there a reason you’re lost in cyberspace?   I thought a long time about the problems or difficulties in my life that might be causing me to be more involved with my technology than with the real people around me.  We all have problems, and I’m no exception. 

For me, I seem much more likely to get “lost” in technology when I’m stressed out or overwhelmed.  Laundry.  Bills.  Dishes.  Homework.  Dinner.  Bedtime.  Life.  Sometimes it seems that the more things I’m juggling, the more likely I am to get completely distracted by my computer or television. 

I think I must feel that it’s easier (and certainly more entertaining) to check Facebook status updates or to watch the Biggest Loser than to wash and fold all of the laundry!  It’s a way to escape.  Just like some use alcohol or drugs to escape from their daily troubles, we (or at least I) have a tendency to do the same thing with technology.  I’m glad I had this week to realize that.

Extend your attention to all of your relationships.  This week I tried to be more attentive to my interactions with strangers.  Of course my long term goal is to be more focused in all of my relationships, but for some reason this week I felt compelled to pay attention to people I didn’t even know.  Waitresses, bank tellers, grocery cashiers, fast food workers.  Whoever.  I made an effort not to be on my cell phone during my interactions with them.  I said hello and made sure to engage them with the respect that they deserve! 

We each have an opportunity to extend kindness during our interactions with others (even strangers) but when we’re talking on our cell phone or texting all the time then we don’t even give ourselves a chance to smile at someone who might really need it.

Develop a maintenance plan.  This week my husband’s 97 year old grandfather passed away.  And the same day, the worst tornado event arguably of all times hit my home state of Alabama (and many other Southeastern states). There was a lot going on and for many reasons.  I felt pulled to the television, the telephone, and the computer. 

And with all of that going on, it didn’t take me long to realize that I could fall back into my old habits really quickly!  Saying “in a minute,” checking the news on my laptop, reading Facebook status updates.  All of this during times I could have and should have been focusing on my kids.  I’m thankful that this challenge helped me to become more mindful of how I spend my time, so I quickly recognized that I was getting off track. 

I tell you all of this to remind you that having a maintenance plan to keep the challenge going in your life is critical to your continued success with it.  For me, I’m going to continue to keep my use of electronics to a minimum when my children are around.  We’re going to have a Screen Free afternoon at least once a week.  I’m going to TRY not to say “In a minute.”  And in general I’m going to make an effort to be more in control of my distractions, rather than them being in control of me.  And if I slip up, I might just come back to repeat the challenge for a couple of weeks to get back on track.

Here we are at the end of Week Four.  We made it through our month of the Focused Moms Challenge, and I am so proud of each and every one of you.  Your participation has meant the world to me.  I hope that like me, this month has left you feeling more focused than ever before on the things that matter most in your life. 

Now, it’s your turn.  Let’s finish our challenge as strong as when we started it:

• Comment below about what worked and what didn’t for you this week or throughout the month.  If you’re a blogger, include a link to your post in your comment so we can all check it out.
• Share the Focused Moms Challenge!  I’ve set up a page at ChildPsychMom.com/FocusedMoms that includes links to all of the posts from the challenge so that anyone can pick right up and start at the beginning whenever they want.  And if you ever feel like you need a refresher, then you can find what you need to review there too.

1.  I put my phone away from my bed on a bookcase so that I did not go to bed and wake up looking at it. Who cares if Kroger and Amazon sent me emails while I slept?

2.  I can watch Dancing with the Stars or make lunches after my kids are in bed. I stay up until midnight almost every night – after their bedtime has now become the time for these non-child related activities. The world is now open for business almost all 24 hours a day. I am trying to train my brain to get out of the 5pm work hour old school train of thought. I can do almost anything I need to do all day and all night long EXCEPT for spend time with my children!

3.  I’ve been trying to either log off my laptop or close it when I’m done. Just seeing it closed reminds me that I’m not supposed to spending so much time on it!

4.  Before my daughter can use anything with an engine, I have her make the mile and a half trip around the lake on her bike with me. She sees it as me playing with her, but I see it as bonding and a bit of physical activity. Yesterday, we rode our bikes and stopped and talked. She would “trick” me in to thinking she was resting when she really was trying to get a head start on racing me around the lake. When we were done with our bikes, we then took the 4-wheelers out, headed to the lake and fished until it was time for dinner.

5.  Here is what I’ve started doing…I have changed the power configuration on my computer so that it shuts off at night. Because it takes it so long to start back up, 75% of the time I just forget about turning it back on. Truth is, I haven’t missed it. Sitting in my office for a “quick” check of news and what celebrities are doing usually turns into 30 minutes. Not anymore!!!

6.  This week I left my cell phone in the car or in the kitchen on the charger. I have been very aware about answering my phone in the car and placing calls. I hate to say it, but I did text while sitting at red light and occasionally at stop signs. Well, no more! I am seriously trying not to text so much.

7.  My focused moms STICKER is on my planner (yes I am old school and still use a paper calendar – full 8 & 1/2 x 11 size too!). But every time I opened it this week I saw that FIRST thing and it refocused me on how important and limited my time is with my boys!

8.  When I went to my oldest son’s baseball game – instead of sitting on the bleachers with the other moms and constantly chasing my 4-year old around, I took a blanket and had a picnic with him and sat with him and taught him a few baseball rules & shared an apple. It was lovely!

9.  I had a good week. Started off by shutting down my computer each time I used it…then putting the computer away as opposed to just leaving it easily accessible. That has really made a difference. I am not saying that I didn’t fall back once or twice or seven or eight times, but it’s a start, right?

10.  I didn’t bury my Kindle … couldn’t do it, I NEED it!! But, I did give myself a list of “restrictions” that worked very well for me.  For example, I will not be reading my Kindle when my children get off the bus from school; I cannot sit down to read if my dishes are dirty or my house is a wreck; I will not read if dinner has not been planned/cooked (& I cooked dinner 5 nights this week~I don’t know how Zaxbys will stay in business); I will not read while helping my children with homework or studying; While reading, I will never again “just a minute” my children so that I can finish the sentence/page/paragraph (the handy thing about a Kindle is you can leave it and it keeps your place for you!!!); If my children/husband come into the room, I put the Kindle away; I will try not to ever miss an opportunity to spend time with my children just to find out what happens next in a James Patterson book!

If you’ve got an idea that helps keep you focused, feel free to comment. We love hearing what works for other Focused Moms!

If this is your first visit to the Focused Moms Challenge, read our introduction post before getting started.

It’s our last week of the Focused Moms Challenge!  Can you believe how far we’ve made it?  Think back on how distracted you were at this time last month.  I hope that like me you can see the focus coming back into your life on the things that matter most, not the latest and greatest technology fad of the week.

Our Week Four Crosswalk Safety Tip is “Never Step Into The Path Of A Moving Vehicle.”  It seems simple enough, but sometimes (even when we’re looking) we just walk right on out into the middle of the street without paying any attention to what’s heading our way.  This week to wrap up our challenge, we’ll focus on a few tips to keep us moving in the right direction (and not into oncoming traffic).  Let’s get started:

Step One.  One reason why many moms (and dads) get hooked on the internet or other technology is that it distracts them from paying attention to some of the real problems or challenges that they have in their lives.  Problems in your marriage.  Anxiety or depression.  A clutter filled home.  Loneliness.  A child with behavior problems.  Estranged family relationships.  Job loss.  Illness.  Financial worries.  Too much work to do and not enough time to do it.  You name it, and the internet can suck us in to spending all of our time in cyberspace and no time at all on our real life issues.

This week, step one is to identify if there is some problem or difficulty that you are trying to ignore by getting lost in your distraction of choice.  You’re going to really have to look long and hard at the distractions that you’ve been trying to overcome this month and ask yourself, “Is there a problem I’m trying to avoid by spending all of my time on the _________?”  You might even want to open up and ask a friend, spouse, or loved one what they think.  Be careful though, you might not like their answer if you ask the question!

What if you do have a problem or an issue that you are trying to escape from by getting lost in cyberspace?  Get help!  Confide in a trusted family member or friend, seek out spiritual guidance from your place of worship, or talk to a psychologist.  There are people out there, including trained professionals, who are ready and willing to help you.  All you have to do is reach out to them.

Step Two.  Now that we’ve focused for three weeks on how distracted we can get from parenting our children, it’s time to take a look at our other relationships that could use some attention!  As Focused Moms we’ve been practicing paying better attention to our kids (and not our computer screens), but what about paying better attention to others?  Think about these people . . .  Spouse.  Friends.  Family.  Co-workers.  Neighbors.  Strangers.  When we’ve got ourselves so wrapped up in our cell phones that we don’t even look up to say hello to the person checking us out at the grocery store, then we’ve got a problem.  And if we don’t have conversations with our husbands or wives because we’re too busy watching television or checking Facebook status updates, then we’ve got an even bigger problem!

What can we do?  At the beginning of our challenge, we focused on how we used technology around our children.  Now, let’s extend that from our kids to PEOPLE in general.  Whenever you are with ANYONE this week  and tempted to use your distraction of choice, ask yourself “Is the time that I am about to spend with ________ (my computer, my Kindle, my smart phone, my television . . .) worth the time that I am going to lose spending with __________ (my husband, my wife, my friend, my grandmother, my dad, my brother, my neighbor . . .)?”  Sometimes you might answer that question yes, more often you’ll answer no.  Just spend our final week of the Focused Moms Challenge making an effort to value the relationships in your life as much as you do the technology in it.

Step Three.  For our final step this week, we all need to make a plan about how we can carry on with the good habits we’ve learned this month.  Just like keeping the weight off after a successful diet, we need to figure out our plan for being long-term Focused Moms (not just month-long)!  Your plan will be different than mine and that’s okay.  We each need to find a maintenance plan that works best for our families.

Some ideas include:  continuing to monitor your use of technology when you’re with your children, having a screen free day once a month, keeping reminders up to make you think before you get too distracted, or reading through the Focused Moms posts once a month for a refresher.  Just spend this week coming up with some ideas that fit your needs.

Recap.  Never step into the path of a moving vehicle!

1. Is there a reason you’re lost in cyberspace?
2. Extend your attention to all of your relationships.
3. Develop a maintenance plan.

On Friday I’ll be posting how I used these steps at my house this week and how they worked for me.  I’ll also be asking you to share with me and all of the Focused Moms how you did!  For bloggers, you’ll be able to link up a blog post about Week Four with the Focused Moms Challenge, and non-bloggers will have the opportunity to share their experiences through comments.  Good luck and stay tuned this week to Facebook and Twitter for daily tips to keep you on track!

Common Sense Disclaimer: This challenge does not provide or replace psychological treatment or evaluation.  Contact a psychologist in your community if you are in need of individualized services.

This week, our challenge was to “Make Eye Contact” (aka, Unplug the Kids).  If your house is anything like mine, I’m sure you got a little resistance on this one.  While my kids loved the Focused Moms Challenge during weeks one and two when I was paying more attention to them, this week I got a lot of “Why do I have to be in YOUR challenge?”  Here are my confessions of the successes and the struggles at my house:

Set up ‘Screen Free Time’ for the week.  For my house, we set up a Screen Free Time from 3-7 pm each day.  When I first introduced the idea, I got a lot of crying and complaining!  The kids could not imagine what they had done to earn such a harsh punishment.  The more they whined about it, the more committed I became to helping them unplug a little!

By the end of the first afternoon, they were all saying that they really liked Screen Free Time.  I was so proud of myself (and them)!  While my son practiced soccer on Monday, I made flower necklaces and bracelets with the girls in a field.  Really!  It was like we were back in the  ‘Little House on the Prairie’ era, and I loved it!  Day two was also a success and still kind of fun.  But then the excitement wore off and day three was an epic fail!  We rallied for day four and survived screen free for about two hours (instead of four).  Oh well, we tried.  We had some successes and a lot of struggles, and I think all in all we learned a lot from the adventure.

No more “In A Minute.” I am a firm believer that my job in life is NOT to be at the beck and call of my children every second of the day.  That being said, I was using “In a minute” a lot more than I needed to.  And what was worse was that I was agreeing to things that I would not normally agree to because I wasn’t even paying attention to what I was saying “In a minute” about!  This week, I was able to change up my vocabulary a bit so that I wasn’t constantly saying “In a minute.”  I still did have to say it, because sometimes my kids have to wait, and I don’t always have to explain myself.  But I’d say I got my use of that exact phrase down to about once or twice a day.  Not bad from where I was a month ago!

Don’t forget to continue to parent.  I realized quickly this week that there are a lot more opportunities to parent your children when all of the electronics are turned off.  When you’re spending more time with your kids, then naturally you’ll get a chance to take part in more positive (and negative) parent-child interactions throughout the day.  And to me, that’s a good thing!

Here we are at the end of Week Three.  What did I learn?

• My family needs to have Screen Free Time more often.  Not every day, not even every week, but I need to be more aware of making sure that we don’t spend all of our free time watching television or on the computer.
• My children are much more creative and spend lots more time reading or outside playing when the electronics are turned off.
• I need to set some goals with my family about how much screen time each day is too much.
• Taking a break from electronics is just as hard on kids as it is on grown-ups.  But just as much as we need it, they do too!

Now, it’s your turn.  I’ve opened up about my successes and struggles and now the Focused Moms community wants to hear from you.  Here’s how it works:

• Comment below about what worked and what didn’t for you in Week Three.  Inquiring minds want to know!
• If you’re a blogger, link up a blog post below that you wrote about Week Three of the Focused Moms Challenge.
• Have a picture to share?  Upload it to the Focused Moms Challenge Facebook wall or Flickr group for us to see.
• Check back over the weekend to see how other Focused Moms did on the challenge and get ideas from their comments, blog posts, and pictures.
• Share the Focused Moms Challenge!  It’s not too late for new friends to join.  Just direct them to ChildPsychMom.com/FocusedMoms to get started.

This weekend, put the finishing touches on Week Three.  Use the ideas you picked up here and from your week at home to get good at our three steps from this week.  Then, I’ll see you back here on Monday for the start of our last week of the Focused Moms Challenge!

Since this week in the Focused Moms Challenge we’re all being reminded to be more intentional about our parenting, I thought it would be a great time for a time-out refresher.

How To Make Time Out Work For You is available online or in the Auburn-Opelika Parents magazine.

If this is your first visit to the Focused Moms Challenge, read our introduction post before getting started.

It’s Week Three of the Focused Moms Challenge, and we’ve made it to the half way point!  Last week we learned how to unplug a little, so that we could increase our family time and decrease our screen time.  Do you know what most of us learned?  While we were starting to unplug, our kids were not!  So this week, we’re going to turn our attention to them.  Be warned, they may not like it!

Our Week Three Crosswalk Safety Tip is “Make Eye Contact With Drivers.”  Remember that we are the pedestrians and our children are the drivers!  In Weeks One and Two of this Challenge we learned to look at them when we walk out into the crosswalk.  But are they looking at us?  Let’s work this week to make that happen!  Here’s how:

Step One.  So that we can work towards having more meaningful interactions with our kids, we’re going to ask them to unplug a little, too.  I’m not talking about anything drastic.  This week is actually Screen Free Week, but you’d have to be seriously committed to tackle a whole week without any screen time!

Instead, I’d suggest one of two options for the week.  You tailor it to what best meets the needs for your family.  Option one, which is what I’m going to do, is to have a Screen Free Time set aside each day where no one in the family watches television, plays video games, spends time on their iPod/iPad/Kindle, or gets on the computer.  The telephone is okay for talking only.  Otherwise, no electronics.  Note that I did not say “No ELECTRICITY,” just no electronic media devices getting in the way of quality family time.  My family has set aside the hours of 3-7 p.m. this week for our Screen Free Time.  But you can and should decide what works best for your crew.

Option two would be to limit the number of hours that you children are exposed to the screen this week.  Figure out something that is doable for you and works best for your routine and family life.  Maybe your limit would be two hours a day, maybe one hour, there’s no right or wrong answer.  To me, this option seemed harder to make work with four kids than just designating a time period on the clock where the screens couldn’t be on in the house.  But for some families, this might be more convenient.

A couple of ideas for either option.  First, I’m including the car in my Screen Free Time.  Of course, that’s kind of easy for me since the DVD player in my car has been taken out for repair!  Next, make sure that parents and babysitters honor the Screen Free Time, too!  And finally, come up with some fun things to do when the screens are off.  Get outside and play, go for a walk, visit the park, take them out for ice cream, plant a garden.  Just enjoy each other.  Education.com has a fun list of 30 activities for Screen Free Week if you need some ideas!

Step Two.  In addition to your Screen Free Time for your family, this week I’d like us to pay closer attention to our use of the phrase “In a Minute.”  Many of us, me included, have found through this challenge that we say this phrase a lot (a whole lot).  We’ve even found our kids saying it to us when they are sitting at the computer and don’t want to get up to do their homework!  Most of the time when we say it we don’t even look up, it’s just coming out of our mouths automatically.

So, instead of saying “In a Minute” try these options.  First, just don’t say it!  But, I’ll admit that’s hard to do.  There are times when our children have to wait for us for one reason or another.  We are not capable of being at their beck and call every moment of the day (nor should we be).  The second option, which is probably more doable, is to limit your use of the phrase “In a Minute” and when you need to say it, try varying up the vocabulary and make it more descriptive.

For example, when your child says they want some juice, instead of saying “In a Minute,” try “As soon as I am finished unloading the dishwasher I will get your juice.”  That tells them two things.  One, that you heard their request and intend to follow through.  Two, that you are busy doing a specific task and that they know that when you finish that you will take care of their needs.  “In a Minute” doesn’t communicate any of that.

There are several reasons why I like this change in wording.  Mostly I like it because it holds me accountable.  If I have to say to my child, “As soon as I’m finished checking Facebook status updates from friends I haven’t seen in ten years I will get up out of this chair that I have been glued to for one hour and provide you with some juice,” then maybe I’m the one with the problem!

I also like it because when I’m on the computer I find myself saying “In a Minute” to my kids about things that I would not normally agree to.  For example, if one of them walks up and says, “I want to have a cookie for breakfast,” I might just say “In a Minute!”  What?  They know we’re more likely to say yes when we’re distracted.  By using a complete and descriptive sentence, I have to look them in the eye, consider their request, and then decide if it’s something that I actually intend to follow through on.  Instead of “In a Minute,” if I’m focused I should say, “NO COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST!” or “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Step Three.  The final step for this week is giving yourself permission to continue to parent.  Just because you’re becoming more focused and less distracted in your parenting, does not mean that you have to abandon your household rules, discipline practices, etc., etc.

What some of you have found through this challenge is that you have been parenting on auto-pilot without any specific rules or discipline practices for your children.  If that’s the case, then this is as good of a time as any to start thinking about how to change that.  Check out one of my favorite parenting books, Parenting the Strong Willed Child, if you need some advice on how to improve your child’s behavior.  Later this week, I’ll even be posting about time-out for parents of toddlers and younger kids, if you’d like to add that to your parenting bag of tricks.

Recap.  Make Eye Contact With Drivers!

1. Set up Screen Free Time for the week.
2. No more “In a Minute.”
3. Don’t forget to continue to parent!

On Friday I’ll be posting how I used these steps at my house this week and how they worked for me and my kids.  I’ll also be asking you to share with me and all of the Focused Moms how you did!  For bloggers, you’ll be able to link up a blog post about Week Three with the Focused Moms Challenge, and non-bloggers will have the opportunity to share their experiences through comments.  Good luck and stay tuned this week to Facebook and Twitter for daily tips to keep you on track!

Common Sense Disclaimer: This challenge does not provide or replace psychological treatment or evaluation.  Contact a psychologist in your community if you are in need of individualized services.