Does that sound familiar?  These are the types of concerns and questions that I hear from parents every single day.  At some point or another, most of us have been there, me included!  Wondering if we could improve our children’s lives or tackle a few of their specific problems with counseling.

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

Doesn’t that sound good?  Unfortunately that’s not the way therapy usually happens for a number of reasons.  Often the cost of therapy keeps many people from being able to get services.  Even if you have insurance, the co-pay can just be too much.  Others can’t get therapy because they don’t have a child psychologist in their community or there is a long wait to get an appointment.  And sadly, some don’t pursue therapy for their kids because they worry about the stigma associated with seeing a psychologist.

So, what’s my answer when people ask me if their child needs therapy?  Usually I tell them to trust their instincts.  As parents, we know our children better than anyone.  If something doesn’t seem right then go with that gut feeling and get help.

But how do you even start?  Here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

Figure out as best you can specifically what you’re concerned about and want help with.  Easier said than done I know, but before you start searching for a therapist you’re going to want to at least have an idea of what you need their help for.  Think about it this way.  Imagine you’ve got a lot of health issues.  Bad knees, poor eye sight, high blood pressure.  But right this very minute you have a fever and sore throat.  When you go to the doctor, you’ll want to fill them in on your entire health history, but what you really want (and need) is some immediate relief for your sore throat!  Getting your blood pressure under control, eyes corrected with glasses, and knee surgery are goals for some future point too, but the most pressing issue is the sore throat.  Think about your child’s issues from that vantage point.  What’s their “sore throat” problem right now?  What’s the biggest concern you have?  You can still get help in other areas, but you need a starting point.

Once you’ve given some thought to the issue you want to address, do some research.  Before you get excited, DO NOT do a Google search.  Repeat after me.  No Google searches.  Instead, find and buy one of the many well written books by child psychologists that teach parents how to address the common problems of childhood at home with your child.  I have a few favorites.  Topics like defiance, anxiety, anger, divorce, and social skills to name a few.  A lot of times those books will take you step by step through a treatment protocol to get your kids back on the right track.  Don’t get me wrong.  They’re not magic!  They require your involvement every step of the way.  But they can be a perfect place to start for solving problems with your child.

If the problem is serious, overwhelming, or you just need more help than a book can offer, then you’ll want to seek the help of a professional.  Depending on the issue, I often tell parents to talk to their child’s pediatrician or school counselor first.  They will be able to provide some immediate assistance and are familiar with your child and the options for therapy in your community.  You’ll also want to check with your insurance to see if they cover therapy services, and if they have providers in your area that you are required to use.  If you’ve done all of that and still need help finding a therapist, try some ‘old school’ methods.  Think word of mouth and the phone book.  Jump to the modern era and you can also find qualified therapists online using a psychologist locator like the one provided by the American Psychological Association.  No matter how you select a psychologist, you’ll want to make sure that they are licensed by your state psychology board or working under the supervision of a licensed psychologist AND that they have specialized in child psychology.

No matter what, don’t forget to trust your instincts.  If you think that you or your child would benefit from talking with a therapist, then go with that gut feeling and get help.  Best of luck!

Here’s how it works.  When explaining what I want my kids to do, I highlight all of the positives about the chore, task, or activity.  I mean I really make it sound good!  Sometimes I embellish a little.  I don’t lie, I just accentuate the good and downplay the bad.  By the time I’m done, my enthusiasm naturally rubs off on my kids and they are just as excited as I am!  See, sounds like a pretty magical parenting technique. Right?

Now, the real question you probably have is does this ‘Make it seem awesome’ parenting technique actually work?  I’m sure you have your suspicions, so I’ve got a few case studies to share with you from the trenches.

Case One – Kids under 10.  My two younger kids are totally on board with me turning dull and mundane tasks and activities into fun.  In fact, recently I was able to turn picking up sticks in the yard into a spectacular adventure for my four and seven year old daughters by excitedly talking it up and then keeping their enthusiasm going during the task.  That night at dinner they both talked about it being one of the highlights of their day.  Wow, mission accomplished!  Based on my success, one would think that I could turn just about blah task into something awesome with a little mom directed enthusiasm.

Case Two – Kids 10 and up.  And that’s where this ‘Make it seem awesome’ parenting technique meets its match.  Older kids are not so easy to fool.  My twelve and fourteen year old have clearly fallen for this trick one time too many and now they’re onto me.  They are old enough to know that if something is awesome you don’t have to play it up.  They know what’s wonderful and what’s not.  One of them even said to me recently, “Mom, if you said let’s go to Disney World or let’s go get ice cream, we’d know that was awesome, you wouldn’t have to convince us of it.  But if you have to work so hard to make it sound good, then we probably won’t like it.”  This mom was busted.

Case Three – The mom.  I’ve been a parent now for almost fifteen years.  I’ve learned a thing or two along the way, and I’ve certainly got a whole lot left to learn.  But one thing I do know is that there are countless boring, mundane, and downright blah tasks in parenting.  Don’t get me wrong, there are great joys too, but there’s still a TON of work!  Picking up sticks in the yard doesn’t sound that exciting to me either, but when I talk it up with my kids the enthusiasm that I intended for them starts to rub off on me.  I have more fun at parenting when I reframe things from the negative to the positive, when I focus more on the good aspects of the job instead of the bad ones.  You see, what works with my kids works for me too!

So, what’s the final verdict? Does this ‘Make is seem awesome’ parenting trick actually work?  Well, from my experience the answer is sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  And as with most parenting tricks, sometimes is about as good as you’re gonna get.

Preschoolers and kids with Autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other Developmental Disabilities are especially prone to social skills difficulties. But truthfully, children of all ages can benefit from learning how to make the most out of their interactions with others.  Halloween is the perfect time for teaching because unlike any other night, it gives our kids the opportunity to have multiple and repetitive social interactions to practice their skills and an immediate and consistent payoff, candy!

One of the best ways to start off a social interaction with another person is to look them in the eye.  On Halloween, our kids have the chance to do this again and again, at each house they go to!  Encourage your kids to make eye contact with people handing out candy and friends and neighbors that they might see on Halloween night.  The earlier our children get the hang of this important social skill, the better.

Another critical beginning social skill is learning how to greet others.  Of course, we normally encourage our children to say “Hello” or “Nice to meet you,” but on this night a good greeting goes something like, “Trick or Treat!”  If your kids are anything like mine, I’m sure they’ll get the hang of this one pretty quickly.

After they get their candy, remind your children not to run off to the next house, but say thank you as they leave.  Who doesn’t want to say thank you to someone who has just handed them a piece of candy?  Unfortunately, it’s easy to forget this step when there is more candy waiting for you right next door.  This might take several reminders, but learning how and when to express gratitude is a skill that our children will be able to use for the rest of their lives.

A favorite saying at my house (second only to “Monkey see, monkey do”) is “You get what you get, and you don’t pitch a fit!”  On Halloween and throughout the year, it’s important to teach our children that they aren’t always going to get what they want.  Make sure they know that they should still say thank you, even if they don’t like what they were given.  Of course, it doesn’t hurt if you let them know that Mommy and Daddy will be very happy to take any of the candy that they don’t like off their hands when they get home!

One of the hardest parts of Halloween for kids is waiting!  First, they have to wait until the last day of the tenth month for Halloween to finally arrive.  Then, they have to wait until nighttime for the fun to really begin.  Once the trick-or-treating is underway, they have to wait behind other children who might have gotten to their neighbor’s door first.  And finally, they have to wait until they get home to really get a good look at their loot (not to mention eating all of those yummy treats)!  Remind your children ahead of time that they will probably have to be patient on Halloween night, and you’ll all be better prepared for a good evening.

Don’t miss out on using Halloween as an opportunity to practice social skills with your children.  With these tricks, your child’s behavior might be your biggest treat of the night!

Unfortunately, just trying to figure out how to improve their behavior can seem overwhelming with so many complicated theories and different opinions to choose from.  And of course we all know that what works for one child doesn’t always work for another.  If you’d like some practical down to earth tips to improve your child’s behavior, then give these simple behavior management principles a try.

Choose your Battle.  Every child has a handful of bothersome behaviors that their parents would like to see magically improve overnight.  Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.  For the most success, try to tackle one problem behavior at a time.  When you’ve achieved success with one, then move on to the next!  Let’s try this approach using a fairly typical problem, fighting siblings.  Because this behavior is one many of us can relate to, and it can often escalate, it’s a good one for us to use as an illustration.

Identify the Positive Alternative.  Once you determine the negative behavior you want to eliminate, it’s time to find a positive behavior to replace it with.  In our case, the positive behavior for siblings fighting is siblings playing nicely.  You can identify a positive replacement behavior for pretty much anything, although sometimes you have to get creative!

Reward the Replacement.  Now that you have a positive behavior you want to see your child engage in, begin rewarding it whenever you see it happen!  Verbal praise and attention is one of the quickest and most effective tools for improving behavior.  Try to catch your child being good and move in quickly with a specific praise.  For our example, a specific praise would be “You two are doing such a great job playing nicely together!”  Be clear and direct with your praise and be sure to identify what you’re praising your child for.

When they Misbehave.  Of course, just because you’re focusing on the positive behavior doesn’t mean that your children will no longer misbehave!  When they do, choose one of two alternatives.  Either ignore the misbehavior or put them in time-out after an initial warning.  One of the reasons our children continue to misbehave is that we give them attention when they do.  A quick way to stop that cycle is to ignore them when they do something inappropriate.  Ignoring is not as easy as it sounds.  You truly have to restrain yourself from saying anything to your child.  Even saying something as simple as “I’m ignoring you” sends them the signal that you are paying attention to their misbehavior!

Unfortunately, you can’t ignore everything!  If your child does something that is potentially dangerous or requires immediate attention, then they should be given a warning to stop.  And if they continue to misbehave despite the warning, then they should be put in time-out.  The length of time-out should be their age in minutes, so a six year old can reasonably be expected to sit in time-out for six minutes.  Also, it’s important to have your time-out spot in a safe location in your home with minimal distractions, like the dining room.  If your child is too old for time-out, try putting them (or one of their favorite electronic devices) on restriction instead.

Be Consistent.  When the targeted behavior occurs, it’s important to handle it the same way each and every time.  In our example, the parents always have three options.  They can reward the positive behavior (playing nicely), ignore the problem behavior (fighting), or put the child in time-out if the problem behavior has escalated or needs immediate attention after a warning.  To have the most success, parents need to be consistent in their responses so that their children always know what to expect whether they are behaving or misbehaving.

By implementing these simple strategies, you will be sure to see an improvement in your child’s behavior.  For a more detailed behavior management program read Parenting the Strong Willed Child, one of my favorite parenting books.  If you are still concerned about your child or need help getting more severe behavior problems under control, try reaching out to your child’s teacher or pediatrician or meet with a psychologist for more individualized guidance.

Screen time used to just include the family television set in the den.  Now families have video games, handheld electronics, computers, iPods, cell phones, and portable dvd players to contend with, just to name a few.

As a child psychologist, I know that increased screen time is associated with childhood obesity, social skills deficits, and attention problems. Plus, children are often exposed to violence and other risky behaviors when watching television or playing video games, not to mention an onslaught of commercials and advertising.

But as a mom of four kids, I also know that it’s often down right impossible to keep screen time to under two hours a day.  Especially during the school year when homework assignments and projects require the use of a computer!

And truthfully, who hasn’t used some form of screen babysitting so they can put dinner on the table, help an older sibling with their homework, or keep everyone quiet so the baby can take a nap?  I know I have.

If you’re like me and find these recommendations too hard to achieve, don’t despair.  You may not be able to get your kids down to under two hours of screen time a day, but you can work towards reducing their viewing habits to a healthier level.  Here’s how:

• Monitor your own technology use.  Before tackling your children’s use (or overuse) of the screen, take a good look at your own habits.  As with most things, our children learn from watching us.  If we’re spending all of our free time watching reality shows on tv, checking Facebook on our laptop, or playing Angry Birds on our iPad, then we’re sending them the message that we’re okay with too much screen time.  You don’t need to eliminate your use of technology all together, just work towards decreasing it especially when you’re in the presence of your children.
• Make a screen free schedule.  Even though the AAP recommends two hours or less of screen time for kids a day, that might not seem doable initially for you and your kids.  Instead, try setting up chunks of time each day that are screen free at your house (for example, from 3 p.m.-7 p.m. on school nights unless it’s related to homework).  Then make sure that all members of the family follow the same guidelines, not just the kids!  Come up with some fun activities to do as a family during the screen free time, encourage your kids to play outside, have them help you with dinner, go for a family walk, or just sit and talk over a board game.
• Set up screen free zones.  Now that our kids have screens that are portable, it’s a good idea to declare some areas of your life and home to be screen free entirely.  I’m a big advocate of a screen free dinner table.  Or you could shut off the dvd player in your car for trips shorter than 30 minutes.  When you and your kids are in a screen free zone, use your time to talk instead and make sure that you follow the same rules that you establish for your kids.

So, if you’re like me and find that keeping your kids screen time to one to two hours a day is unachievable most days, don’t despair.  Follow these tips and you’ll find that you can reduce their use of television, computer time, and video games to a healthier level without having to eliminate screens from your home altogether.  While they might fight you about it at first, it won’t be long before your whole family will find out that some of their favorite family moments are shared when all of the screens are turned off.

If you feel like you’re spending too much time using technology and not enough time with your kids, try my Focused Moms Challenge to help regain your focus and get back to parenting with a purpose!

]]> https://childpsychmom.com/screen-time-tips-for-families/feed/ 0 https://childpsychmom.com/fall-parenting-workshops/ https://childpsychmom.com/fall-parenting-workshops/#comments Mon, 22 Aug 2011 20:09:42 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=1882 This fall I’m offering small group parenting workshops for the Auburn-Opelika community at Transformations Life Center.  Transformations offers a perfect setting for groups of people and professional facilitators to come together and support, educate, and help one another through life’s challenges in a relaxed and casual environment.

Each workshop costs $50 and lasts for two hours, but if you mention my blog you’ll get $10 off your first workshop with me.  You will need to pre-register by calling Transformations at (334)705-0071.  You can also stop by Monday through Friday between the hours of 10 am and 4 pm to register for a workshop or shop in the gift store.

Check out my fall 2011 workshops listed below:

Does My Child Have ADHD? 

Do you suspect your child might have ADHD? Before heading off to the doctor for a prescription for medicine or the psychologist for a comprehensive evaluation, try this two hour workshop for all you need to know to make the best assessment and treatment plans for your child.  You won’t leave the workshop knowing if your child does or does not have ADHD, but you will be equipped with the knowledge of exactly what you need to do to find out for sure.

Managing Your Family’s Technology Habit

Does your family spend more time communicating online than with each other?  Is your television or cell phone constantly getting in the way of quality family time?  Then this workshop is for you!  In two hours you’ll learn the skills you need to decrease your family’s technology use to a reasonable level and increase the quality time that you have to share with each other.

Parenting a Child With ADHD 

Do you have a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD?  In this workshop you’ll get insight about the disorder, learn how to be an advocate for your child’s treatment, and gain skills for how to manage your child’s behavior at home and on the go.

Reducing Parental Stress

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and stressed as a parent, then this workshop is for you.  In two hours, you’ll learn the skills you need to reduce stress in your life and transform yourself into the calm and relaxed parent that you want to be.

Improving Your Child’s Behavior

In this two hour workshop, you’ll learn the skills you need to improve the behavior of your preschool to school age child at home and on the go.  Techniques including ignoring, attending, rewarding, and time-out will be covered and you’ll learn how to issue commands that your child will actually follow.  If you’ve ever struggled with controlling your child’s behavior, then this is one workshop that you won’t want to miss.

Managing Holiday Stress

Are you so stressed during the holidays that you can’t seem to enjoy the most wonderful time of the year?  This two hour workshop will teach you the skills you need to stress less and enjoy more this holiday season.  We’ll cover how to get organized, set a budget, learn to keep expectations realistic, and how to enlist help.  You’ll also learn the art of saying no, and parents will get tips on managing holiday stress in kids.

If you’re interested in one of these workshops for your next group or organization meeting, contact me for more information.

]]> https://childpsychmom.com/fall-parenting-workshops/feed/ 1 https://childpsychmom.com/how-long-is-too-long-for-time-out/ https://childpsychmom.com/how-long-is-too-long-for-time-out/#comments Thu, 18 Aug 2011 21:36:29 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=1802 Dear Polly,

My four year old daughter was recently put in time-out at day camp for 20 minutes.  How long is too long and what is the correct way of doing this?

You are right to be concerned!  Twenty minutes is a long time to be in time-out for a 4 year old.  Generally, the length of time-out in minutes should be equal to the age of the child in years.  So, your 4 year old should spend about 4 minutes in time-out.   The minute to age ratio works well at home, school, daycare, camps, and anywhere else your child needs a time-out.

That being said, sometimes if a child is still fussing at the end of time-out, they may be kept in time-out until they calm down.  If the child never calms down though, this practice could lead to an extremely long and stressful time-out.

Now that you’ve had this experience, it’s important for you to talk with your child’s counselor and the director of the day camp to share your concerns.  Many schools and daycares use time-out for discipline, but it’s important to make sure that there is a protocol for how to handle children who are still acting up at the end of the time-out period.  Some ideas for that include:

• Allow the child to sit in time out a second time (that would be a maximum of 8 minutes for your child if they sat in time-out twice in a row)
• Take the child to the principal’s or director’s office
• Give them a different consequence, like 5 minutes of sitting on the bench at the start of recess
• Call the parent

As a parent you have every right to know and understand the discipline policy at your child’s school, daycare, or camp.  Often these policies are reviewed early on in the school year or camp session, but don’t be afraid to ask if you have any questions or lingering concerns.  Your child’s caregiver should be more than happy to discuss this important issue with you.  For more tips on time-out at home visit my post How To Make Time-Out Work For You.  Best of luck!

If you’ve got a question that you’d like to see featured in a future Ask Polly post, just visit my contact page and submit your idea or question.  I look forward to hearing from you!

Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to myself when I give them an instruction.  But there are a lot of strategies we can use to get our children to comply with our requests.  Try implementing a handful of these tips consistently, and you’ll see an improvement in no time:

Look your child in the eye when you’re giving them a direction.  Just like us, our kids sometimes are so engrossed with the computer, a book, a video game, or a television show that they might not listen to us fully when we interrupt them.  Call your child’s name and make sure that you have their attention when you issue your command.  One of the best ways to guarantee that is to make eye contact.  And by the way, this works with husbands too!

Ask your child to repeat the instruction back to you.  If you want to make sure that they heard what you said to them, ask them to repeat it.  If you said, “Take out the trash” and they repeat back to you “Give me some cash” then you’ve not communicated your message too well now have you?  Also, just the act of saying the direction out loud will help them remember it (rather than getting distracted and forgetting along the way).

Break your instructions down into simple one-step actions.  Instead of saying “Clean your room,” try saying “Make your bed” or “Put your toys in your toy box.”  You might end up having to issue more commands by breaking your instructions down in this way, but your child will be more successful in accomplishing the goals you put forth for them.

Be specific about what you want your child to do.  Sometimes our kids don’t listen to us because they don’t know what action is required by our words.  So instead of saying “Mommy is having a mental breakdown” try saying “Play quietly in your room.”  Be as specific as possible with what you expect of them so they’ll have a better chance of knowing exactly what you want them to do.

Phrase your command as a statement, not a question.  If you expect your child to do something, then you need to state it as a fact.  You don’t have to be to stern, but in a matter of fact voice, state what you expect them to do.  For instance, if you ask them “Will you unload the dishwasher,” then they might just say no!  If given the choice, who wouldn’t say no?  Instead, simply state “Unload the dishwasher.”

Don’t use the word “let’s” in your directions.  If you say “Let’s brush your teeth,” then that sounds like you and your child are about to go brush their teeth.  Like you, the parent, are actually going to be involved in the tooth brushing process.  Now if you have a toddler that’s one thing, but if your child is capable of brushing their teeth on their own, then you would be better off saying “Go brush your teeth” and then let them complete the task independently.

Remember that you are not obligated to give a rationale for your commands.   Moms more than dads have a hard time with this one.  When you are giving your child an instruction, just present it to them simply.  You do not have to provide a dissertation of evidence as to why what you’re asking is reasonable.  Just give your instruction and let them follow it.  When you try to provide reasoning, more than likely you’ll just end up distracting them from what they were supposed to be doing in the first place.  For example, if you say “Make your bed,” then your child will probably make their bed.  If you say “Make your bed because we’re going to the movie, and I want your room to be clean before we leave so that when we get home we don’t have any chores left to finish,” then you lost them way back at “movie.”  I can just about promise that they will have forgotten the original request to make their bed!

Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do.  This one is tough for me, and I bet it might be for you too!  I find myself all the time saying “Don’t fight with your sister.”  Giving instructions though is all about telling them what to do, not what NOT to do.  So instead of my typical don’t, try saying “Play Candyland with your sister.”

Be prepared to follow through if they don’t comply.  Whenever you give an instruction or command, you need to be ready to follow up immediately and make sure that your child is complying.   If they don’t comply within a reasonable amount of time, be prepared to issue the instruction again with a warning of the consequence for noncompliance.

Praise.  When they do comply with your command, be sure to give them verbal praise.  You can say something like, “Great job picking up your Legos” or “Thanks for helping sort the laundry.”  You don’t have to go over the top or anything with fireworks or cash, but it’s important to acknowledge that you know that they completed the task and that you are proud of them for doing so.

]]> https://childpsychmom.com/how-to-give-kids-effective-commands/feed/ 2 https://childpsychmom.com/focused-moms-try-time-out/ https://childpsychmom.com/focused-moms-try-time-out/#respond Thu, 21 Apr 2011 19:02:49 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=1306 This month, my Parenting on the Plains column in the Auburn-Opelika Parents magazine focuses specifically on how to make time-out work for you.  If you’ve ever tried time-out and didn’t think it worked or if you’ve never even given it a whirl, then this article is for you!

Since this week in the Focused Moms Challenge we’re all being reminded to be more intentional about our parenting, I thought it would be a great time for a time-out refresher.

How To Make Time Out Work For You is available online or in the Auburn-Opelika Parents magazine.

In recent years, the one thing that has worked most consistently for us is My Job Chart. It’s a free online program where you get to set up your child’s daily chores AND their rewards. Even personal hygiene can be included as a chore that earns your child rewards. Plus, you get to pick the rewards your child gets AND how many points they have to have to earn a reward.

My kids love it (from my kindergartener to my teenager) because it’s on the computer and more fun than the plain old paper and pencil charts we’ve used in the past. We are not a weekly allowance type of family.  Instead, we’re trying to instill in our kids early that if you want to earn money then you have to work for it. This program has helped us do just that in an easy parent (and kid) friendly way.  If you decide to give it a try, I’d love to hear how it works for you!