When my kids were younger, it seemed like they always wanted my attention.  We could do just about anything together, and they would call it their ‘best day ever.’  Remember those days?  Me too! 

But now that they’re teenagers, it’s me who has to make the effort to spend time with them.  In the blink of an eye it’s gone from them begging for my attention to me begging for theirs. 

If you’re like me and want to stay active and engaged in your teen’s life, don’t despair.  Try these tips and you’ll see an improvement in your quality time before you know it: 

Step away from the screen.  Smart phones.  E-Readers.  Computers.  TVs.  Tablets.  You name it and in this day and age we’ve got a screen that will distract us.  No matter what your vice (mine is my iPhone), it’s important to put it away while you’re interacting with your teen.  If you’re trying to spend quality time with your child, then turn off your favorite tv show, walk away from Facebook, put down the Kindle, and leave your phone on silent.  

Now, this doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t share some screen time by watching television together or enjoying a game of Words With Friends on your smart phones.  What it means is that when you are sharing time with your child, don’t let your personal screen use get in the way.  I know your kids might be texting or tweeting while you hang out with them, but set a good example and show your teens that you prioritize time with them over time with a screen.

Use your social skills.  When we interact with other adults, we typically use good manners.  Right?  We look them in the eye when we’re having a conversation, we listen attentively, we smile, and we don’t interrupt.  Why then, do we think it’s okay to abandon our social skills when spending time with our teens?  For instance, when I’m doing housework and my child walks in the room and speaks to me sometimes I don’t even look up.  I just answer them and continue doing my chores.  It’s as if all I know about etiquette doesn’t apply to my interactions with my own kids.  And quite frankly that’s sad. 

Imagine if you didn’t look your boss in the eye during a conversation at work or smile at your friend who stopped by for a chat.  We’d never do that, so it’s important for us to show the same courtesy to our children and use good conversational manners with them too.  In addition to showing our teens that we care, using good social skills provides them with a valuable example of how to behave in their personal and professional interactions with others.

Be a willing learner.   Your teen knows a lot.  A whole lot.  Let them take on the role of teacher, and I promise the two of you will grow closer.  Think of something you want to know more about and have them show you how it’s done.  For example, have you always wanted to put some of your music onto your iPhone, but are completely lost on how to do it?  Want to make a digital scrapbook from your pictures of your last family vacation but can’t figure out how?  Need to make a Power Point for a meeting but don’t have a clue as to what that even is?  Well, guess what?  Even though you might not know what to do, your teen knows how to do all these things. 

Have your child give you some tutorials and remember, you’re the student and they are the teacher.  Listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and follow their advice.  Then be grateful for their help, just like you would be thankful to a colleague, friend, or professor.  I’ve learned through the years that this is a guaranteed way to spend time with your teen, improve their self-confidence, and learn a new skill all at the same time.  Everyone wins.

With these three tips you’ll be on your way to improved interactions with your teen in no time.  Have some ideas that you’d like to share?  Feel free to comment below or share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.  When it comes to spending quality time with our teens, we all need all the help we can get!  For more tips, check out my post Bonding Activities With Your Teens.

]]> http://childpsychmom.com/quality-time-with-teens/feed/ 1 http://childpsychmom.com/social-media-etiquette-for-parents/ http://childpsychmom.com/social-media-etiquette-for-parents/#comments Mon, 25 Feb 2013 20:52:34 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=2868 Instagram.  Pinterest.  Twitter.  Facebook.  Snapchat.  These days it seems that as soon as you learn the ins and outs of one social media site another one gets introduced as the latest and greatest way for your teens to stay connected with their friends.  As overwhelming as it seems, parents of teenagers need to be involved in social media.  Just as we stay up to speed on our kids grades, friends, curfews, and driving habits, our teens need our supervision online too.  But to be an effective parent online, it’s important to behave in a way that won’t send your teen running off to set up a fake account that you don’t even know exists!  Try these teen approved tips for staying active with your kids on social media:

Be a stalker.  Not too long ago, my teenage daughter asked her dad if he was stalking her on Instagram.  Truth be told, he probably was.  But in this day and age, that’s not stalking, that’s called parenting!  In our house, if our kids have a social media account, then both parents are going to follow and friend them.  And it’s not so we can interact with them there.  We can (and should) be doing that at home.  Instead, it’s to help monitor their safety and teach them proper online social skills.  To avoid any misunderstandings, let them know your purpose up front.

Don’t comment on their wall, status updates, or pictures unless they ask you to.  Just because you’re their friend or follower, don’t think that you need to comment on everything (or anything) that they do!  Instead, be a quiet passive observer.  I’ll admit this is sounding pretty stalker-ish, but the goal is to be aware of what your kids are doing on social media sites without smothering them or drawing attention to your presence.  If they ask you to be more involved, by all means go ahead.  But otherwise just try to blend in with all of their other followers.

Don’t post embarrassing pictures of them on your social media account or tag them in your pictures without their approval.   Ever been tagged in a not so flattering picture on Facebook?  Posed for a few re-takes to get a shot Facebook worthy?  If so, then you’ll understand why your teenagers don’t want you tagging them in your pictures.  Be courteous to your children and let them approve their pictures before you post them.  Save those naked baby bath pictures for their actual baby book (which hopefully resides on your bookshelf, not on the world wide web).

Act your age.  If you’re going to be monitoring your teen’s online presence, take a good look at your own.  Are you tagged in inappropriate pictures?  Is your language G-rated?  Does your online activity reflect your actual character?  Would your online posts be suitable to show your boss, your grandmother, or your child?  Take some time and review your own accounts.  Delete any pictures or posts that seem questionable and think twice about what you share online in the future.

Talk often about social media etiquette.  Have frequent and open conversations with your kids about how to behave online.  For example, in the real world you wouldn’t want  them to use bad language or participate in bullying.  The same rules apply online.  Keep the conversations real, reminding them (with examples) that how they behave online can stay with them for the rest of their lives.  That’s especially true as they head off to college and eventually the job market.

Do you have any tips for staying connected with your teens online?  I’d love to hear from you!

First things first.  What is Instagram?  It’s a free application that allows users take pictures and share them with other Instagram users.  Fun effects can be applied to the pictures that you share and users are encouraged to interact with other users by “liking” and commenting on photos.  The Instagram app is available on the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch, as well as Android camera phones.  Currently Instagram boasts over 100 million users, including a whole lot of kids.  That’s where you come in Mom and Dad.

Here are 3 things you need to know if your child is an Instagram user:

Age Requirements.  I have heard some parents say “My child isn’t old enough for Facebook, so they are on Instagram instead.”  Well, guess what?  You have to be 13 years old for both Facebook and Instagram.  Why?  Because just like Facebook, Instagram is a social media application designed for adults.  It is not policed or monitored, other than prohibiting the posting of nude, partially nude, or sexually suggestive photographs.

Privacy Settings.  If you’re an Instagram user, particularly if you’re a kid, there’s one feature that you need to activate.  The privacy setting.  The default is set to public sharing, which means that your pictures are public to all Instagram users.  To change the default to private, go to the “Options” menu and click “ON” for “Photos Are Private.”  This means that only your followers can see your pictures.  They are private to anyone else.  If there’s one thing  you take from this post, I hope it’s to know how to keep your photos (and those of your children) private!

Followers.  My kids know that if they are on a social media site then I’m going to be there with them.  I’ll be their “friend” on Facebook and “follow” them on Instagram.  It’s amazing the stuff you learn about your kids through their social media presence.  You’ll have to make your own account, but I promise it’s painless and will be worth it in the long run.  Another social media rule I recommend is that you only allow people to follow you that you actually know.  Strangers shouldn’t be following you or your children around town, so they certainly shouldn’t be following you online either!

Do you have any advice to offer on keeping your child safe on Instagram or social media in general?  Let us hear from you!  For more tips, check out my Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.

Facebook is the most utilized social networking site world wide with more than 845 million users. The magic age for kids to be considered Facebook legal is 13. But of Facebook’s current users, an estimated 7.5 million are actually under the age of 13. Now more than ever parents need to arm themselves with information about how to keep their children safe on social media sites like Facebook that were designed for adults but are being used by kids. If your child (of any age) has a Facebook account, here are some tips to help keep them as safe as possible:

Talk openly about internet safety rules. Keeping the lines of communication open is one of the best ways parents can teach their children about staying safe online. Some basic guidelines include never giving your personal information online, never meeting someone in real life that you know only from the internet, and always telling your parents if something you have seen online makes you uncomfortable.

Know your child’s Facebook password. I know some of you might argue that this is like making your child give you the key to their diary. But their diary is hidden away in their bedroom. It is personal and only for them to read. What they say or do online can have a lasting impact on their reputation and their safety. Something they post or a picture they are tagged in could haunt them for the rest of their lives. It’s that simple. Let them keep the key to their diary, but if they’re on Facebook then as a parent you need to know their password.

Be their Facebook friend. Okay, so you’re their parent not their friend. I understand. But as a parent you need to know what’s going on in their lives. You need to monitor their online activity in the same way you’d keep an eye on what they do in real life. There’s no better way to do that than to be their friend on Facebook. You don’t need to comment on their status updates or pictures if they don’t want you to, but you can quietly observe their activities from your Facebook profile to help keep them safe.

Monitor their friend list. Instruct your kids that they are only allowed to be friends with people they actually know in real life. Then periodically monitor their friend list and make sure they haven’t befriended a total stranger.

Manage their privacy settings carefully. The goal of Facebook is to help people connect. To do that, Facebook prefers users to be as open as possible to make sharing easier. But kids need to be much more restrictive in their sharing than adults. To restrict their settings, log in as your child and go to Privacy Settings and then How You Connect. Choose options like “Friends Only” or “Friends of Friends” to minimize their exposure to complete strangers.

Facebook safety for kids (and parents) can be overwhelming. Believe me, I know! But parents today have to be diligent about it. Our kids are there, we’ve got to be, too.

Curious, I got him the dictionary and watched.  Within a few minutes he was looking up words.  Then I had to know what he was up to!  Guess what it was?  Finding words that started with Q, J, or Z to play against his dad and I on ‘Words With Friends.’  For once, a video game actually made my child WANT to pick up a dictionary!  Something I hadn’t been able to accomplish in years!

What is this ‘Words With Friends’ you’ve been hearing folks talk about?  It’s sort of like Scrabble in a video game format that you can play on your smart phone, tablet, or computer (via Facebook).  You can play against total strangers, but I don’t recommend that for kids.  What’s really fun is playing with people you know, ESPECIALLY the kids in your life.

I’ve started playing regularly with my 14, 12, and 7 year old kids.  I try to keep each game at a level appropriate for them, making my words more  and more challenging as they get better and better at the game.  My words with my 7 year old are usually 5 letters or less, while my words with my 14 year old are as complex as I can make!  After about six weeks of playing, I’ve learned a few things about the benefits of playing this game with my school age kids that I thought I’d share with you.  Here goes:

1. It improves their vocabulary and challenges their spelling skills.  The beauty of it is that they think they are playing a game, not learning vocabulary and spelling words!  Amazing!
2. You can play the game at whatever pace you want.  Set aside an hour and play an entire game or just make a move or two when you can.  It’s up to you.
3. It’s a great way to play games with relatives that don’t live at your house.  My children play their grandfather who lives in Texas, and I play my nephew that lives in Tennessee.  It adds an extra layer of excitement to the relationship with a relative when you can play a game in addition to the more typical long distance interactions (like talking on the phone or sending an email).
4. There is a messaging feature that you can use within a game that’s sort of like sending a text.  So, my 7 year old nephew can send me what he calls a text even though he doesn’t even have a phone!  I’ve learned all sorts of precious things about him from his texts.
5. There aren’t any pieces!  This may or may not be a problem at your house, but if I tried to play real Scrabble with my older kids my 4 year old would have the pieces spread around the house before we had a chance to make our first move!

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not suggesting that you develop a ‘Words With Friends’ addiction or spend all of your time with your kids playing video games (come on, you know me better than that!).  But if you haven’t tried playing this game with your school age children then you’re missing out.  Just be sure to monitor them like you would playing any online game and only allow them to play with people they know.  Enjoy!

This past month I asked you to share your Facebook age limits with me, and the results of this very non-scientific poll were pretty evenly split.  1/3 of you made your kids wait until they were 13 to join, 1/3 let your kids join before they were 13, and 1/3 made your kids wait to join even after they turned 13.  Only 1 vote was cast from a parent who let their child join Facebook before they were 10.

These findings and those from actual scientific polls show us what we’ve known all along.  Kids are on Facebook.  Yours might not be there yet, but they probably will be someday.  Now more than ever parents need to arm themselves with information about how to keep their children safe on social media sites like Facebook that were designed for adults but are being used by kids.

When and if you decide to allow your child to open a Facebook account, talk with them about the pros and cons of social media.  Then try some of these tips to help keep them as safe as possible:

Know your child’s Facebook password.  I know some of you might argue that this is like making them give you the key to their diary or something.  But I disagree.  Their diary is hidden away in their closet or under their mattress.  It is personal for only them to read.  Facebook is their online presence.  What they say or do online can have a lasting impact on their reputation and their safety.  Something they post or a picture they are tagged in by a friend can haunt them for the rest of their lives.  It’s that simple.  Let them keep the key to their diary, but if they’re on Facebook then as a parent you need to know their password.

Be their Facebook friend.  Okay, so you’re their parent not their friend.  I understand.  But as a parent you need to know what’s going on in their lives.  You need to monitor their online activity in the same way you’d keep an eye on them in real life.  There’s no better way to do that than to be their friend on Facebook.  Yes, that means you’re going to need to keep your own Facebook profile PG, but if you’re a parent then that’s something you might want to consider doing anyway!

Monitor their friend list.  No, I don’t mean you need to stalk everyone they know.  But periodically check their list and see who they are friends with.  I’d suggest telling them that they are only allowed to be friends with people they actually know in real life.  Seems logical to me, but sometimes kids don’t think entirely logically.  So, once you’ve given them some common sense advice on who not to friend, monitor their list and make sure they haven’t friended a total stranger.

Manage their privacy settings carefully.   The goal of Facebook is to help people connect.  To do that, they prefer for users to be as open as possible within the Facebook world to make sharing easier.  But for kids, you should consider being much more restrictive than you would be for adults.  To do this log in as your child (see why you need the password?) and go to Account and then Privacy Settings.  There you will find two options, Sharing on Facebook and Connecting on Facebook.  For Sharing on Facebook, I suggest setting it all as “Friends Only” until you determine that your child is ready for more.  For Connecting on Facebook, select View Settings.  I’d be as restrictive as possible for as long as you can, selecting “Friends Only” with one exception.  For who can “Send you Friend Requests” I’d choose “Friends of Friends.”  When you’ve got it set up the way you’d like it, select Preview my Profile for a look at how your child’s profile looks to most people on Facebook.

Keep up with new Facebook features.  Facebook is famous for rolling out the latest and greatest technology to help us connect with even more people more efficiently than ever before.  That’s all well and good, but some of that technology is a little questionable when kids are involved.  Two recent examples are facial recognition and check-ins.  Facebook has developed a facial recognition program so when friends upload pictures that you are in, you are identified by your facial features to make tagging for your friends easier.  You can opt out of this feature by going to Account/Privacy Settings and choosing Customize Settings.  Just disable the feature Suggest photos of me to friends.  I’m also not a fan of letting friends check your kids in to places.  You can disable this feature the same way under Friends can check me in to Places.  Not necessary at all for kiddos.

Facebook safety for kids (and parents) can be overwhelming.  I’m know, I’m right there with you.  But parents today have to be diligent about keeping kids safe online.  Our kids are there, we’ve got to be too.

Question:  Can you really keep up with your child’s technology use? With all the modes of technology, can you really be on top of what your child is doing at any given time? Students text and check Facebook from school. What can you do to truly monitor their usage?

Answer:  Absolutely!  As parents we need to be very aware of what our children are doing on their computers, cell phones, and ipods.  This type of technology is here to stay, so as parents we need to learn all we can about them to protect the safety of our children.  Two of the best things you can do are:

1.  Have open and honest discussions with your kids about internet safety, and your expectations for how they should behave online.

2.  Install internet protection software on all of their computers and mobile devices!  Then you can monitor their usage to make sure they are staying safe online.  Any computers that they use at school will already have this protection installed, but you need to make sure they are equally safe on their home computer, cell phone, and ipod!

For more tips, check out my Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.  Hope it helps you to get started with this all important task.

Best of luck!