These days it seems like every time we turn around there is another tragedy.  Something that seems senseless.  Something that we, even as adults, have a hard time comprehending or understanding ourselves. 

When these events occur, it’s important to take some time to talk to our children about what’s happening.  Why?  Because they are going to hear about it.  And your best explanation of a difficult situation is better than no explanation at all.  Here are five tips to help get your conversation started:

Consider their developmental level.  Young children don’t necessarily need to know about every tragedy.  They are happy and carefree and we can and should keep them that way as long as possible.  Preschoolers up to kindergarteners (and even first graders) can be shielded from hearing about most situations.  But school aged children are VERY likely to hear about tragedies from their peers, teachers, or the media so as a parent it’s important to talk to your kids yourself.  When you do talk to your children, talk to them using vocabulary that they understand and using examples that are appropriate to their developmental level.

Be honest.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  I also want my children to know that I will not lie to them, even when the topic is scary.  Stay calm when you’re talking with your kids and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened that I wanted to talk with you about.  There was an explosion in Boston while people were running in a race, the Boston Marathon.  A bomb caused the explosion.  Some people were injured and sadly some people died.  There were also a lot of people there who were not hurt and who helped those who did get injured.  I don’t know why this happened or who put the bomb there but the police are investigating it and over time we will know more.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers,but it’s always important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things.” 

Reassure them.  Kids need reassurance when hearing about difficult subjects.  They have questions.  Is everyone we know safe?  Is anything going to change for me because of this?  Can this happen to me?  Reassure them the best that you can using truthful answers that fit your child and your personal situation.  Children are resilient and much more likely to process the event and move forward if they are reassured. 

Limit television viewing.  One of the best things you can do for your child (and yourself) is to limit television news related to the tragedy.  Television news can be pretty scary and graphic, and you have no control over what’s being shown to your children.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  There are always helpers on the front lines, but kids want to do something to help too.  Ask your kids what they would like to do and guide them based on their age and developmental level.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation, or sending a letter or picture.  Sadly we can’t change what has happened.  But we can and should help however we are able.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Fred Rogers

Be a stalker.  Not too long ago, my teenage daughter asked her dad if he was stalking her on Instagram.  Truth be told, he probably was.  But in this day and age, that’s not stalking, that’s called parenting!  In our house, if our kids have a social media account, then both parents are going to follow and friend them.  And it’s not so we can interact with them there.  We can (and should) be doing that at home.  Instead, it’s to help monitor their safety and teach them proper online social skills.  To avoid any misunderstandings, let them know your purpose up front.

Don’t comment on their wall, status updates, or pictures unless they ask you to.  Just because you’re their friend or follower, don’t think that you need to comment on everything (or anything) that they do!  Instead, be a quiet passive observer.  I’ll admit this is sounding pretty stalker-ish, but the goal is to be aware of what your kids are doing on social media sites without smothering them or drawing attention to your presence.  If they ask you to be more involved, by all means go ahead.  But otherwise just try to blend in with all of their other followers.

Don’t post embarrassing pictures of them on your social media account or tag them in your pictures without their approval.   Ever been tagged in a not so flattering picture on Facebook?  Posed for a few re-takes to get a shot Facebook worthy?  If so, then you’ll understand why your teenagers don’t want you tagging them in your pictures.  Be courteous to your children and let them approve their pictures before you post them.  Save those naked baby bath pictures for their actual baby book (which hopefully resides on your bookshelf, not on the world wide web).

Act your age.  If you’re going to be monitoring your teen’s online presence, take a good look at your own.  Are you tagged in inappropriate pictures?  Is your language G-rated?  Does your online activity reflect your actual character?  Would your online posts be suitable to show your boss, your grandmother, or your child?  Take some time and review your own accounts.  Delete any pictures or posts that seem questionable and think twice about what you share online in the future.

Talk often about social media etiquette.  Have frequent and open conversations with your kids about how to behave online.  For example, in the real world you wouldn’t want  them to use bad language or participate in bullying.  The same rules apply online.  Keep the conversations real, reminding them (with examples) that how they behave online can stay with them for the rest of their lives.  That’s especially true as they head off to college and eventually the job market.

Do you have any tips for staying connected with your teens online?  I’d love to hear from you!

But if I was the parent of any of these precious children, I can promise you that knowing the cause wouldn’t help.  My child would be gone forever and no answer would change that devastating fact.  No more kisses and hugs.  No tucking them in at night.  No growing up.  Nothing.  Gone.

The parent side of me knows that.  The child psychologist in me knows another story.  I speak from the trenches, not as the parent trying to access services, but as the child psychologist helping parents navigate the system day in and day out.  I firmly believe that our mental health system is not the reason this massacre occurred.  Adam Lanza is.  But he clearly suffered from serious mental health problems.  And this tragedy should serve as a wake up call to change our mental health care system now.  By doing so we could very likely prevent this devastation from occurring again in yet another classroom, movie theater, or shopping mall.

Currently in my community I can count on one hand the number of child psychologists and psychiatrists available to assist children.  That means that if you are concerned about your child and want to access outpatient services then you will have to wait.  For a long time.  I’m talking months.  There are waiting lists in my state that are a year long.  Can you imagine being told that you may have cancer but you won’t be able to be seen by a doctor to discuss your diagnosis and treatment options for six months?  That’s what it feels like to parents who have children with serious mental health issues waiting to be seen.  Unimaginable.  There simply aren’t enough child psychologists and psychiatrists to go around.

If you are fortunate enough to get an appointment after your agonizing wait, you then have to either be wealthy enough to pay for it out of your pocket or lucky enough to have health insurance that covers outpatient mental health services adequately.  Good luck with that.  In my experience, the inability to pay eliminates the opportunity for quality mental health care for the majority of children.  If they can’t pay, parents are told to ask their pediatrician for advice because then it might be covered under their health insurance policy.  They are advised to get help instead from their school counselor because that would be free.  Those options might seem like good ones, but behind the scenes the pediatricians are equally outnumbered by the volume of mental health care patients, and typically one school counselor is responsible for the mental health needs of an entire school.

And what happens when your child still isn’t well after rounds and rounds of different medication trials and years and years of outpatient therapy?  Sadly there aren’t many options.  Private inpatient beds are hard to come by and often the length of treatment approved by insurance carriers is not sufficient to meet the needs of the patient.  Other alternatives include having your child put in a juvenile detention facility or state mental health hospital.  Neither are appealing options and so the child who desperately needs help and the parent searching frantically for it are often left to their own devices.

It’s a sad but familiar commentary.  It feels hopeless.  But I don’t believe that it is.  I think there is a way to change our system for the better.  To do something now that will allow children with mental health concerns to get the help they so desperately need.  I wrote about it in August after the massacre in Colorado.  The post Does My Child Need Therapy? came from my honest belief that the parents of these perpetrators know something isn’t right with their child from a young age, but either don’t know what to do or over time have exhausted the resources available to them.

I wrote Does My Child Need Therapy? as a guide for parents to know where to start to get the help they need for their children.  But I also wrote about an ideal system.  One where all children starting at a young age get to visit with a therapist for regular check-ups.  Here’s an excerpt:

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

If all parents had regular contact with a therapist from the time of their child’s birth, they would be able to get help with typical and atypical childhood behaviors throughout their parenting journey.  Studies show that by adulthood, 1 in 4 Americans have a mental health condition.  We must change our system to focus on the prevention of mental health problems right from birth, not wait until the problems are so severe that they cannot be treated.

A shift of this magnitude would require A LOT of work.  Increased funding for mental health services. Insurance reform to cover preventative mental health care.  Training of more professionals to provide these services.  Better integration with the medical community to provide quality long term care to those suffering from serious mental illnesses.  A shift in our collective thinking about the value of mental health.  Overcoming the stigma of mental illness.  At some point, accessing mental health services should be as simple and routine as getting your flu shot each fall.  We’re not there yet, but together we can be.

In loving memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting.

For more information on talking with your children about this tragedy, visit my first two articles in this series How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and Your Follow Up Questions Answered.

I wrote the post School Shootings: How To Talk With Your Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy shortly after I learned about the massacre at Sandy Hook.  I know a lot of you are out there having these difficult conversations this weekend with your kids.  I feel for you and am right there with you having the same gut wrenching talks at my house.  I’ve gotten a few follow up questions from my last post, and I wanted to share with you my answers to help you along your journey.

Should we let our young kids watch the news related to the shooting?

To be honest, I have purposefully avoided television news since the shooting occurred.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s just too overwhelming.  I stay up to date on the news via the internet and only from reputable news organizations.  So, my opinion would be don’t let your young kids watch television news about this tragedy.  It’s pretty scary and graphic and you have no control over what is being shown to them.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

My child is in kindergarten (first grade, second grade, etc.).  Aren’t they too young to know about this?  I want to maintain their innocence as long as possible.

I agree completely!  I want to maintain the innocence of my children too!  But sadly, if they are school age (kindergarten or older) they are going to find out about this tragedy from someone and probably by Monday morning.  As a parent you’d much rather it be from you than from someone else.  The exceptions would be if your children are homeschooled, don’t participate in activities with other children, and you don’t have television or internet access in your home.  None of that applies at my house, so I’ve discussed this shooting with my second grader, seventh grader, and tenth grader.  My four year old is the only one who escaped having to learn about this because she is a) in preschool, b) on winter break until January, and c) not developmentally capable of understanding this in my opinion.  As the parent it is ALWAYS your choice whether or not you want to tell your children anything.  But my advice is that if they are old enough then you should tell them about it before they hear it from someone else.

Is it the right time to talk with them about safety plans or does that make it seem too scary?

Yes, this is exactly the right time.  So many teachers and students lives were saved yesterday because they followed their safety plans.  When talking with my kids, I asked them about the safety drills they had at their school and we agreed that this type of incident is why those plans have to be in place.  It was a simple and short part of our conversation, but it helped them see the value of practicing these safety drills and listening to the instructions of their teachers during emergencies.

Do you have any advice to share from talking to your kids about this tragedy?  Do you have any questions?  Feel free to share below. 

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Sadly it seems that these tragedies are happening at an alarming pace, from the victims of the Colorado movie theater massacre this summer to the precious lives lost this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  How can I explain this to my children when I don’t have an explanation myself?  How do I protect them when this type of senseless violence occurs all around them?  I’ve been reflecting on that a lot this afternoon, and I still don’t have all the answers.  But here are five tips to get you started:

Love on your children.  Always kiss them goodnight.  Give them a hug when they go off to school.  Tell them you love them sincerely and often.  Be giving of your time and your affection.  Tragedies like these can serve as a wake up call to parents.  A reminder that our children are precious gifts that can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye.  Don’t worry about the past or what might happen in the future.  Focus on loving your children.  Right here.  Right now.  The rest will take care of itself.

Be honest. Talk with your school age children about this tragedy at a developmental level they can understand.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  Stay calm when you’re talking with them and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened at an elementary school in Connecticut.  A man shot people at the school.  Some of the people died.  I don’t know why this happened, but I am very sad about it.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers, but I can try.  It’s important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things and for you to be honest with me.”

Review your home and school safety plans.  Ask your child if they have ever practiced a fire drill or other type of safety drill at school?  Talk with them about any drills they have done that may have involved them hiding, staying quiet, turning out lights, or locking the classroom door.  Many schools practice these drills in preparation for this type of attack.  Review with your child what they should do if someone was shooting a gun at their school, in public, or in your home.  If your child is not sure what the safety plan is for their school, then email your child’s teacher or principal to learn more.  Once you know the plan, review it with your child.  Let them know that this type of situation happens very rarely, but that it’s still important to know what to do just in case.  Remind them that if something happens at their school it is important to remain as calm as possible and follow their teacher’s instructions.

Educate yourself.  The City of Houston produced a video on workplace shooting this summer that advocates a RUN-HIDE-FIGHT plan.  Although it’s geared for adults, it has some valuable post-9/11 lessons that can be used for parents when thinking about this topic for kids.  The plan suggests that if possible you should first run for safety.  If you can’t, then you should hide from the shooter.  If that’s not an option then you should fight back against the shooter.  The A.L.i.C.E. plan offers similar advice: alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate.  Although these plans aren’t meant for children, as adults we all need to be educated on how to respond in the event we are faced with this type of situation.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  It’s such a beautiful quality, one that as parents we want to nurture so that our kids will carry their sweet altruistic spirit into adulthood.  Ask your kids what they would like to do to try to help.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation to a charity benefiting the victims, or sending a letter or drawing to Sandy Hook Elementary School where the shooting took place Sandy Hook Elementary School (12 Dickenson Dr. Sandy Hook, CT 06482).  Sadly we can’t change what has happened there.  But we mourn with the Sandy Hook Elementary School family and can and should help in whatever way we are able.

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: Your Follow Up Questions Answered and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

First things first.  What is Instagram?  It’s a free application that allows users take pictures and share them with other Instagram users.  Fun effects can be applied to the pictures that you share and users are encouraged to interact with other users by “liking” and commenting on photos.  The Instagram app is available on the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch, as well as Android camera phones.  Currently Instagram boasts over 100 million users, including a whole lot of kids.  That’s where you come in Mom and Dad.

Here are 3 things you need to know if your child is an Instagram user:

Age Requirements.  I have heard some parents say “My child isn’t old enough for Facebook, so they are on Instagram instead.”  Well, guess what?  You have to be 13 years old for both Facebook and Instagram.  Why?  Because just like Facebook, Instagram is a social media application designed for adults.  It is not policed or monitored, other than prohibiting the posting of nude, partially nude, or sexually suggestive photographs.

Privacy Settings.  If you’re an Instagram user, particularly if you’re a kid, there’s one feature that you need to activate.  The privacy setting.  The default is set to public sharing, which means that your pictures are public to all Instagram users.  To change the default to private, go to the “Options” menu and click “ON” for “Photos Are Private.”  This means that only your followers can see your pictures.  They are private to anyone else.  If there’s one thing  you take from this post, I hope it’s to know how to keep your photos (and those of your children) private!

Followers.  My kids know that if they are on a social media site then I’m going to be there with them.  I’ll be their “friend” on Facebook and “follow” them on Instagram.  It’s amazing the stuff you learn about your kids through their social media presence.  You’ll have to make your own account, but I promise it’s painless and will be worth it in the long run.  Another social media rule I recommend is that you only allow people to follow you that you actually know.  Strangers shouldn’t be following you or your children around town, so they certainly shouldn’t be following you online either!

Do you have any advice to offer on keeping your child safe on Instagram or social media in general?  Let us hear from you!  For more tips, check out my Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about how to talk to your kids about sexual abuse, and I forgot to include one very helpful conversation starter.  Books!  As a child psychologist and a mom, I use books all the time to get kids talking.  It’s amazing how much easier it is for children (and adults) to open up with the help of an engaging story.  With that in mind, I wanted to share a few of my favorite books for kids on the topic of child sexual abuse.  I hope these will be as helpful to your family as they have been to mine:

• U Touch I Tell.  This new release is a precious story that is fun and empowering.  That’s right, FUN!  It’s true.  Even books on child sexual abuse can be entertaining for kids.  In the story a teacher is talking to her class about the importance of telling an adult if anyone touches them inappropriately.  It’s simply described as the part of the body that’s covered by a bathing suit.  The class is then rewarded for learning about ‘U Touch I Tell’ and goes to a theme park where the concept is reinforced.  When this book arrived at my house earlier this week, my 8 year old daughter read it immediately.  She loved it and we were able to have a very easy teaching moment with NO AWKWARDNESS!  True story!  My 4 year old will also be able to follow this book, and will probably be walking around the house repetitively chanting ‘U Touch I Tell’ by the end of the weekend!  I’m honored to have written the forward to this book and hope you’ll find the ‘U Touch I Tell’ message as helpful as I have.
• I Said No.  This ‘kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private’ is full of useful information for parents and kids.  It uses ‘red flags’ and ‘green flags’ to get the message across that some touches and situations are dangerous (‘red flags’) and others are a sign of smooth sailing (‘green flag’).  There are lots of examples that teach kids to trust themselves and know that when something doesn’t feel right that it probably isn’t.  Tell a trusted adult if someone touches you inappropriately is repeatedly reinforced, and children are even instructed on how to call 911 in the event of serious danger.  Also included are helpful instructions about how to handle inappropriate touches from other children.  At the end of the book there’s a spot for kids to draw ‘green or red flag people’ and ‘what if’ scenarios.  A definite go to book for talking with your kids about sexual abuse.
• Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”  Another easy to follow story about a fox named Fred and his family.  What I love about this book is that it tackles the issue of sexual abuse perpetrated by someone a child knows and trusts.  Since 90% of child sexual crimes are perpetrated by those known to the family, this book opens the door to some important conversations we should all be having with our own children.  The repetitive description of shouting no, along with encouragement to say it even LOUDER, really helps kids understand what to do if they are touched inappropriately.  A book you’ll really be glad you shared with your kids.

Do you have any books written for kids about child sexual abuse that you’d like to share?  Have you ever read a book like this to your children?  How did they respond?  We’d love to hear from you to keep this important conversation going.

The youngest killed was 6 and there was a baby injured.  There were children in the theater in what was expected to be a fun filled night at the movies.  People were dressed in costumes.  Excitement certainly filled the air.  No one could have imagined or ever predicted how the night would unfold so tragically.  In a way that would leave our nation, our world, in stunned disbelief.

But within a few hours of the news breaking, I started hearing comments questioning the judgment of parents who would allow their child to attend a midnight premiere of a PG-13 movie.  Suggesting somehow that these parents shared the blame for the harm that came to their child.

It reminded me of what we heard following the murder of eight year old Leiby Kletzky last summer.  His parents allowed him to walk home from camp over a few practiced blocks in a safe area of New York City. In a horrible twist of fate, he was kidnapped and murdered during that short walk.  There was a rush to blame his parents for allowing him to walk alone.  Suggesting that they had somehow contributed to his death.

Leiby’s parents couldn’t have possibly imagined his fate in their worst nightmare.  He didn’t die because they let him walk halfway home alone from camp for the first time.  He died because the man who confessed murdered him.  The murderer was to blame, not Leiby’s parents.  Had they known that this was going to happen, of course they would never have agreed to let him go alone.  But who could have ever predicted that horror?

Fast forward to today.  A massacre in a movie theater.  Parents made choices all across the nation to allow their children to attend the midnight premiere.  Yes, it’s a movie that contains violence.  Yes, it is rated PG-13.  But despite that, there is NO way any parent would have agreed to allow their child to attend that movie had they known that their lives would be in danger.  They were going to a movie for crying out loud!  What happened is beyond belief.  But it is in no way the fault of any of the parents who allowed their children to attend that movie.

Sadly, our nation has experienced other mass shootings.  Churches.  Shopping Centers.  Schools.  Universities.  Places that are normally safe.  When those events occurred, no one said “Why did that parent allow their child to go to school that day?  What were they thinking?”  You never heard, “That parent should have never let their child go to church on Sunday!”  Not once was there a “How dare that parent let their child attend college?”

I understand that you might be against violence in movies.  I know that you may think that kids shouldn’t be out past midnight.  I know there are some of you that believe no child under 13 should be in a PG-13 movie.  There is a time and a place for those discussions.  They are each legitimate arguments and concerns.  But these issues are not what caused the massacre in Aurora, Colorado.  One gunman, whose reasons for carrying out this horrific crime we may never know, is to blame.

Searching for a cause is natural.  It’s a way of trying to reassure ourselves as parents that we can keep this type of nightmare away from our families.  We can say, “well I wouldn’t let my children go to a movie like that at midnight.”  Or “I’m not allowing my children to be exposed to violence in movies.”  That’s our minds way of reassuring ourselves that this horror couldn’t happen to us.  But it can.  It’s random.  It’s unfathomable.  But it is possible.  Blaming the parents of these victims only hurts them further.  And they are already experiencing pain we can’t even begin to imagine.  If we were in their shoes, the last thing we would need is society questioning why we chose to take our child to a movie.

So today, I challenge you to pay attention to how you’re responding to this tragedy.  Instead of blaming the parents of the victims, blame the gunman who perpetrated this tragedy.  For the victims and their loved ones, pray for healing and a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Be kind to your neighbor.  Smile at a stranger.  Hug your kids.  Love one another.  And remember, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Finding the right caregiver for your child is a parenting decision not to be taken lightly.  In our society, caregivers can include hired sitters, family members, neighbors, churches, schools, daycares, camps, tutors, coaches, you name it.  The list goes on and on!  When you choose to leave your child in the care of others, it’s important to know that those individuals and organizations are just as devoted to keeping your child safe as you are.

Unfortunately, as parents we often shy away from asking important safety questions to potential caregivers because the topic feels too uncomfortable.  Embarrassing.  Accusatory.  But the new round of media coverage about Penn State and the findings of the Freeh Report last week really got me thinking.  What policies do the people and organizations that care for my children have in place to keep them safe?  Have I ever truly asked the right questions to know their procedures for my child’s safety?

What we’ve learned from the child sexual abuse survivors of Jerry Sandusky is that we MUST ask difficult questions to anyone who is going to care for our children.  We cannot assume that our children are protected from child sexual abuse without asking about it directly.

When selecting a caregiver for your child, or evaluating ones you already use, try asking questions like the four offered below.  Consider what responses you’d like to hear from your caregiver.  Talk about these issues with other parents and community members to learn from their experiences.  There is no time like the present to protect your child from sexual abuse.

1.  Do you have a written policy that describes how you keep my child safe from sexual abuse while in your care?  If not, why?  Many schools, daycares, churches, and organizations have written policies that they can provide you.  Read them and observe your child in the environment to be sure that the policies are implemented to your satisfaction.  If your child’s caregiver or potential caregiver doesn’t have a policy, don’t despair.  Your question can be the start of a good discussion about their role in keeping your child safe from sexual abuse.  If they’re hesitant to talk about this issue or don’t want to be an active participant in your child’s protection from sexual abuse, then your gut will probably tell you that they’re not the right caregiver for your child.

2.  Do you conduct background checks on all of your employees and volunteers?  If not, why?  You don’t want individuals caring for your children who have been convicted as a sex offender or of a violent crime.  Right?  Well, if background checks aren’t done on all employees and volunteers there is no way to know their criminal history.  Period.

3.  Are all of your employees and volunteers trained on how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse?  If not, why?  If all the employees and volunteers at Penn State had been trained in how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse, then things would have likely turned out very differently there.  It’s as simple as that.  If all of the caregivers are adequately trained, then everyone will know how to keep your child protected.

4.  Are there any situations that my child will be one-on-one with an adult or another child?  If so, why?  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs in one-on-one situations.  If we work actively to reduce one-on-one situations then the likelihood of child sexual abuse will decrease.  If your child’s caregiver does have one-on-one time with them, is that time observable by others or able to be interrupted?  Can you stop by unannounced?  If not, speak with them about why that’s a must for your family.

Have you ever asked your child’s caregivers about their child sexual abuse prevention and response policy?  What tips do you have to share?  We’d love to hear from you on this important topic.

To join the prevention movement in the East Alabama community, ‘like’ and share our Facebook page Prevent Child Sexual Abuse In East Alabama.

To that end I recently became an Authorized Facilitator of the Darkness to Light Stewards For Children Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Program.  You’ll hear more about the program from me in the coming weeks, but one of my first tasks was to join other facilitators across the country in writing letters to the editor following the Jerry Sandusky verdict.

I’ve had some requests to post the letter here for those of you who don’t have access to the Opelika-Auburn News or Auburn Villager.  Feel free to share as we work together in the prevention of child sexual abuse.

Dear Editor:

Last week Jerry Sandusky, Penn State’s former assistant football coach was found guilty on 45 counts of sexual abuse against 10 boys over 15 years. I understand these allegations were hard to believe. I understand that an indictment of this magnitude would be a tragedy in any organization, but Penn State and particularly their football team was known for all-American values of honor, integrity, and hope.  Values that the Auburn family holds dear as well.

Jerry Sandusky deeply violated those values.  And Penn State violated those values as well because they allegedly failed to report these sexual abuse allegations to authorities.  It would be easy to end the story with the firing of key university staff and the quick conviction of Sandusky.  It would be easy to say that we should always report suspicions of abuse, even if we are unsure of what really happened or whether the actions were sexually abusive.  But in the wake of all that has appeared in the media, we must take a deeper look at our own responsibilities.

This tragedy is a wake-up call to every organization that works with children and youth. I hope that such organizations will educate themselves, the families and the children about child sexual abuse.  I encourage every organization to understand what they must do to respond to sexual abuse, to use effective screening tools and to put policies into place about appropriate touch and conduct.  I hope all of us in the Auburn-Opelika community will learn from Penn State and ask questions to help put effective policies in place before any child is harmed.  If you would like to join the movement to prevent child sexual abuse in our community, please email me at polly@childpsychmom.com.

Dr. Polly Dunn, Auburn

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.