These days it seems like every time we turn around there is another tragedy.  Something that seems senseless.  Something that we, even as adults, have a hard time comprehending or understanding ourselves. 

When these events occur, it’s important to take some time to talk to our children about what’s happening.  Why?  Because they are going to hear about it.  And your best explanation of a difficult situation is better than no explanation at all.  Here are five tips to help get your conversation started:

Consider their developmental level.  Young children don’t necessarily need to know about every tragedy.  They are happy and carefree and we can and should keep them that way as long as possible.  Preschoolers up to kindergarteners (and even first graders) can be shielded from hearing about most situations.  But school aged children are VERY likely to hear about tragedies from their peers, teachers, or the media so as a parent it’s important to talk to your kids yourself.  When you do talk to your children, talk to them using vocabulary that they understand and using examples that are appropriate to their developmental level.

Be honest.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  I also want my children to know that I will not lie to them, even when the topic is scary.  Stay calm when you’re talking with your kids and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened that I wanted to talk with you about.  There was an explosion in Boston while people were running in a race, the Boston Marathon.  A bomb caused the explosion.  Some people were injured and sadly some people died.  There were also a lot of people there who were not hurt and who helped those who did get injured.  I don’t know why this happened or who put the bomb there but the police are investigating it and over time we will know more.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers,but it’s always important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things.” 

Reassure them.  Kids need reassurance when hearing about difficult subjects.  They have questions.  Is everyone we know safe?  Is anything going to change for me because of this?  Can this happen to me?  Reassure them the best that you can using truthful answers that fit your child and your personal situation.  Children are resilient and much more likely to process the event and move forward if they are reassured. 

Limit television viewing.  One of the best things you can do for your child (and yourself) is to limit television news related to the tragedy.  Television news can be pretty scary and graphic, and you have no control over what’s being shown to your children.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  There are always helpers on the front lines, but kids want to do something to help too.  Ask your kids what they would like to do and guide them based on their age and developmental level.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation, or sending a letter or picture.  Sadly we can’t change what has happened.  But we can and should help however we are able.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Fred Rogers

But if I was the parent of any of these precious children, I can promise you that knowing the cause wouldn’t help.  My child would be gone forever and no answer would change that devastating fact.  No more kisses and hugs.  No tucking them in at night.  No growing up.  Nothing.  Gone.

The parent side of me knows that.  The child psychologist in me knows another story.  I speak from the trenches, not as the parent trying to access services, but as the child psychologist helping parents navigate the system day in and day out.  I firmly believe that our mental health system is not the reason this massacre occurred.  Adam Lanza is.  But he clearly suffered from serious mental health problems.  And this tragedy should serve as a wake up call to change our mental health care system now.  By doing so we could very likely prevent this devastation from occurring again in yet another classroom, movie theater, or shopping mall.

Currently in my community I can count on one hand the number of child psychologists and psychiatrists available to assist children.  That means that if you are concerned about your child and want to access outpatient services then you will have to wait.  For a long time.  I’m talking months.  There are waiting lists in my state that are a year long.  Can you imagine being told that you may have cancer but you won’t be able to be seen by a doctor to discuss your diagnosis and treatment options for six months?  That’s what it feels like to parents who have children with serious mental health issues waiting to be seen.  Unimaginable.  There simply aren’t enough child psychologists and psychiatrists to go around.

If you are fortunate enough to get an appointment after your agonizing wait, you then have to either be wealthy enough to pay for it out of your pocket or lucky enough to have health insurance that covers outpatient mental health services adequately.  Good luck with that.  In my experience, the inability to pay eliminates the opportunity for quality mental health care for the majority of children.  If they can’t pay, parents are told to ask their pediatrician for advice because then it might be covered under their health insurance policy.  They are advised to get help instead from their school counselor because that would be free.  Those options might seem like good ones, but behind the scenes the pediatricians are equally outnumbered by the volume of mental health care patients, and typically one school counselor is responsible for the mental health needs of an entire school.

And what happens when your child still isn’t well after rounds and rounds of different medication trials and years and years of outpatient therapy?  Sadly there aren’t many options.  Private inpatient beds are hard to come by and often the length of treatment approved by insurance carriers is not sufficient to meet the needs of the patient.  Other alternatives include having your child put in a juvenile detention facility or state mental health hospital.  Neither are appealing options and so the child who desperately needs help and the parent searching frantically for it are often left to their own devices.

It’s a sad but familiar commentary.  It feels hopeless.  But I don’t believe that it is.  I think there is a way to change our system for the better.  To do something now that will allow children with mental health concerns to get the help they so desperately need.  I wrote about it in August after the massacre in Colorado.  The post Does My Child Need Therapy? came from my honest belief that the parents of these perpetrators know something isn’t right with their child from a young age, but either don’t know what to do or over time have exhausted the resources available to them.

I wrote Does My Child Need Therapy? as a guide for parents to know where to start to get the help they need for their children.  But I also wrote about an ideal system.  One where all children starting at a young age get to visit with a therapist for regular check-ups.  Here’s an excerpt:

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

If all parents had regular contact with a therapist from the time of their child’s birth, they would be able to get help with typical and atypical childhood behaviors throughout their parenting journey.  Studies show that by adulthood, 1 in 4 Americans have a mental health condition.  We must change our system to focus on the prevention of mental health problems right from birth, not wait until the problems are so severe that they cannot be treated.

A shift of this magnitude would require A LOT of work.  Increased funding for mental health services. Insurance reform to cover preventative mental health care.  Training of more professionals to provide these services.  Better integration with the medical community to provide quality long term care to those suffering from serious mental illnesses.  A shift in our collective thinking about the value of mental health.  Overcoming the stigma of mental illness.  At some point, accessing mental health services should be as simple and routine as getting your flu shot each fall.  We’re not there yet, but together we can be.

In loving memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting.

For more information on talking with your children about this tragedy, visit my first two articles in this series How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and Your Follow Up Questions Answered.

I wrote the post School Shootings: How To Talk With Your Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy shortly after I learned about the massacre at Sandy Hook.  I know a lot of you are out there having these difficult conversations this weekend with your kids.  I feel for you and am right there with you having the same gut wrenching talks at my house.  I’ve gotten a few follow up questions from my last post, and I wanted to share with you my answers to help you along your journey.

Should we let our young kids watch the news related to the shooting?

To be honest, I have purposefully avoided television news since the shooting occurred.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s just too overwhelming.  I stay up to date on the news via the internet and only from reputable news organizations.  So, my opinion would be don’t let your young kids watch television news about this tragedy.  It’s pretty scary and graphic and you have no control over what is being shown to them.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

My child is in kindergarten (first grade, second grade, etc.).  Aren’t they too young to know about this?  I want to maintain their innocence as long as possible.

I agree completely!  I want to maintain the innocence of my children too!  But sadly, if they are school age (kindergarten or older) they are going to find out about this tragedy from someone and probably by Monday morning.  As a parent you’d much rather it be from you than from someone else.  The exceptions would be if your children are homeschooled, don’t participate in activities with other children, and you don’t have television or internet access in your home.  None of that applies at my house, so I’ve discussed this shooting with my second grader, seventh grader, and tenth grader.  My four year old is the only one who escaped having to learn about this because she is a) in preschool, b) on winter break until January, and c) not developmentally capable of understanding this in my opinion.  As the parent it is ALWAYS your choice whether or not you want to tell your children anything.  But my advice is that if they are old enough then you should tell them about it before they hear it from someone else.

Is it the right time to talk with them about safety plans or does that make it seem too scary?

Yes, this is exactly the right time.  So many teachers and students lives were saved yesterday because they followed their safety plans.  When talking with my kids, I asked them about the safety drills they had at their school and we agreed that this type of incident is why those plans have to be in place.  It was a simple and short part of our conversation, but it helped them see the value of practicing these safety drills and listening to the instructions of their teachers during emergencies.

Do you have any advice to share from talking to your kids about this tragedy?  Do you have any questions?  Feel free to share below. 

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Sadly it seems that these tragedies are happening at an alarming pace, from the victims of the Colorado movie theater massacre this summer to the precious lives lost this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  How can I explain this to my children when I don’t have an explanation myself?  How do I protect them when this type of senseless violence occurs all around them?  I’ve been reflecting on that a lot this afternoon, and I still don’t have all the answers.  But here are five tips to get you started:

Love on your children.  Always kiss them goodnight.  Give them a hug when they go off to school.  Tell them you love them sincerely and often.  Be giving of your time and your affection.  Tragedies like these can serve as a wake up call to parents.  A reminder that our children are precious gifts that can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye.  Don’t worry about the past or what might happen in the future.  Focus on loving your children.  Right here.  Right now.  The rest will take care of itself.

Be honest. Talk with your school age children about this tragedy at a developmental level they can understand.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  Stay calm when you’re talking with them and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened at an elementary school in Connecticut.  A man shot people at the school.  Some of the people died.  I don’t know why this happened, but I am very sad about it.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers, but I can try.  It’s important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things and for you to be honest with me.”

Review your home and school safety plans.  Ask your child if they have ever practiced a fire drill or other type of safety drill at school?  Talk with them about any drills they have done that may have involved them hiding, staying quiet, turning out lights, or locking the classroom door.  Many schools practice these drills in preparation for this type of attack.  Review with your child what they should do if someone was shooting a gun at their school, in public, or in your home.  If your child is not sure what the safety plan is for their school, then email your child’s teacher or principal to learn more.  Once you know the plan, review it with your child.  Let them know that this type of situation happens very rarely, but that it’s still important to know what to do just in case.  Remind them that if something happens at their school it is important to remain as calm as possible and follow their teacher’s instructions.

Educate yourself.  The City of Houston produced a video on workplace shooting this summer that advocates a RUN-HIDE-FIGHT plan.  Although it’s geared for adults, it has some valuable post-9/11 lessons that can be used for parents when thinking about this topic for kids.  The plan suggests that if possible you should first run for safety.  If you can’t, then you should hide from the shooter.  If that’s not an option then you should fight back against the shooter.  The A.L.i.C.E. plan offers similar advice: alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate.  Although these plans aren’t meant for children, as adults we all need to be educated on how to respond in the event we are faced with this type of situation.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  It’s such a beautiful quality, one that as parents we want to nurture so that our kids will carry their sweet altruistic spirit into adulthood.  Ask your kids what they would like to do to try to help.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation to a charity benefiting the victims, or sending a letter or drawing to Sandy Hook Elementary School where the shooting took place Sandy Hook Elementary School (12 Dickenson Dr. Sandy Hook, CT 06482).  Sadly we can’t change what has happened there.  But we mourn with the Sandy Hook Elementary School family and can and should help in whatever way we are able.

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: Your Follow Up Questions Answered and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about how to talk to your kids about sexual abuse, and I forgot to include one very helpful conversation starter.  Books!  As a child psychologist and a mom, I use books all the time to get kids talking.  It’s amazing how much easier it is for children (and adults) to open up with the help of an engaging story.  With that in mind, I wanted to share a few of my favorite books for kids on the topic of child sexual abuse.  I hope these will be as helpful to your family as they have been to mine:

• U Touch I Tell.  This new release is a precious story that is fun and empowering.  That’s right, FUN!  It’s true.  Even books on child sexual abuse can be entertaining for kids.  In the story a teacher is talking to her class about the importance of telling an adult if anyone touches them inappropriately.  It’s simply described as the part of the body that’s covered by a bathing suit.  The class is then rewarded for learning about ‘U Touch I Tell’ and goes to a theme park where the concept is reinforced.  When this book arrived at my house earlier this week, my 8 year old daughter read it immediately.  She loved it and we were able to have a very easy teaching moment with NO AWKWARDNESS!  True story!  My 4 year old will also be able to follow this book, and will probably be walking around the house repetitively chanting ‘U Touch I Tell’ by the end of the weekend!  I’m honored to have written the forward to this book and hope you’ll find the ‘U Touch I Tell’ message as helpful as I have.
• I Said No.  This ‘kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private’ is full of useful information for parents and kids.  It uses ‘red flags’ and ‘green flags’ to get the message across that some touches and situations are dangerous (‘red flags’) and others are a sign of smooth sailing (‘green flag’).  There are lots of examples that teach kids to trust themselves and know that when something doesn’t feel right that it probably isn’t.  Tell a trusted adult if someone touches you inappropriately is repeatedly reinforced, and children are even instructed on how to call 911 in the event of serious danger.  Also included are helpful instructions about how to handle inappropriate touches from other children.  At the end of the book there’s a spot for kids to draw ‘green or red flag people’ and ‘what if’ scenarios.  A definite go to book for talking with your kids about sexual abuse.
• Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”  Another easy to follow story about a fox named Fred and his family.  What I love about this book is that it tackles the issue of sexual abuse perpetrated by someone a child knows and trusts.  Since 90% of child sexual crimes are perpetrated by those known to the family, this book opens the door to some important conversations we should all be having with our own children.  The repetitive description of shouting no, along with encouragement to say it even LOUDER, really helps kids understand what to do if they are touched inappropriately.  A book you’ll really be glad you shared with your kids.

Do you have any books written for kids about child sexual abuse that you’d like to share?  Have you ever read a book like this to your children?  How did they respond?  We’d love to hear from you to keep this important conversation going.

Finding the right caregiver for your child is a parenting decision not to be taken lightly.  In our society, caregivers can include hired sitters, family members, neighbors, churches, schools, daycares, camps, tutors, coaches, you name it.  The list goes on and on!  When you choose to leave your child in the care of others, it’s important to know that those individuals and organizations are just as devoted to keeping your child safe as you are.

Unfortunately, as parents we often shy away from asking important safety questions to potential caregivers because the topic feels too uncomfortable.  Embarrassing.  Accusatory.  But the new round of media coverage about Penn State and the findings of the Freeh Report last week really got me thinking.  What policies do the people and organizations that care for my children have in place to keep them safe?  Have I ever truly asked the right questions to know their procedures for my child’s safety?

What we’ve learned from the child sexual abuse survivors of Jerry Sandusky is that we MUST ask difficult questions to anyone who is going to care for our children.  We cannot assume that our children are protected from child sexual abuse without asking about it directly.

When selecting a caregiver for your child, or evaluating ones you already use, try asking questions like the four offered below.  Consider what responses you’d like to hear from your caregiver.  Talk about these issues with other parents and community members to learn from their experiences.  There is no time like the present to protect your child from sexual abuse.

1.  Do you have a written policy that describes how you keep my child safe from sexual abuse while in your care?  If not, why?  Many schools, daycares, churches, and organizations have written policies that they can provide you.  Read them and observe your child in the environment to be sure that the policies are implemented to your satisfaction.  If your child’s caregiver or potential caregiver doesn’t have a policy, don’t despair.  Your question can be the start of a good discussion about their role in keeping your child safe from sexual abuse.  If they’re hesitant to talk about this issue or don’t want to be an active participant in your child’s protection from sexual abuse, then your gut will probably tell you that they’re not the right caregiver for your child.

2.  Do you conduct background checks on all of your employees and volunteers?  If not, why?  You don’t want individuals caring for your children who have been convicted as a sex offender or of a violent crime.  Right?  Well, if background checks aren’t done on all employees and volunteers there is no way to know their criminal history.  Period.

3.  Are all of your employees and volunteers trained on how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse?  If not, why?  If all the employees and volunteers at Penn State had been trained in how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse, then things would have likely turned out very differently there.  It’s as simple as that.  If all of the caregivers are adequately trained, then everyone will know how to keep your child protected.

4.  Are there any situations that my child will be one-on-one with an adult or another child?  If so, why?  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs in one-on-one situations.  If we work actively to reduce one-on-one situations then the likelihood of child sexual abuse will decrease.  If your child’s caregiver does have one-on-one time with them, is that time observable by others or able to be interrupted?  Can you stop by unannounced?  If not, speak with them about why that’s a must for your family.

Have you ever asked your child’s caregivers about their child sexual abuse prevention and response policy?  What tips do you have to share?  We’d love to hear from you on this important topic.

To join the prevention movement in the East Alabama community, ‘like’ and share our Facebook page Prevent Child Sexual Abuse In East Alabama.

To that end I recently became an Authorized Facilitator of the Darkness to Light Stewards For Children Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Program.  You’ll hear more about the program from me in the coming weeks, but one of my first tasks was to join other facilitators across the country in writing letters to the editor following the Jerry Sandusky verdict.

I’ve had some requests to post the letter here for those of you who don’t have access to the Opelika-Auburn News or Auburn Villager.  Feel free to share as we work together in the prevention of child sexual abuse.

Dear Editor:

Last week Jerry Sandusky, Penn State’s former assistant football coach was found guilty on 45 counts of sexual abuse against 10 boys over 15 years. I understand these allegations were hard to believe. I understand that an indictment of this magnitude would be a tragedy in any organization, but Penn State and particularly their football team was known for all-American values of honor, integrity, and hope.  Values that the Auburn family holds dear as well.

Jerry Sandusky deeply violated those values.  And Penn State violated those values as well because they allegedly failed to report these sexual abuse allegations to authorities.  It would be easy to end the story with the firing of key university staff and the quick conviction of Sandusky.  It would be easy to say that we should always report suspicions of abuse, even if we are unsure of what really happened or whether the actions were sexually abusive.  But in the wake of all that has appeared in the media, we must take a deeper look at our own responsibilities.

This tragedy is a wake-up call to every organization that works with children and youth. I hope that such organizations will educate themselves, the families and the children about child sexual abuse.  I encourage every organization to understand what they must do to respond to sexual abuse, to use effective screening tools and to put policies into place about appropriate touch and conduct.  I hope all of us in the Auburn-Opelika community will learn from Penn State and ask questions to help put effective policies in place before any child is harmed.  If you would like to join the movement to prevent child sexual abuse in our community, please email me at polly@childpsychmom.com.

Dr. Polly Dunn, Auburn

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.

Why?  Because silence about child sexual abuse sends the wrong message.  It tells victims, past, present, and future, that we are willing to look away.  That we are too uncomfortable or too disturbed by what has happened to tackle the problem head on.

Not one to let anger get the best of me, I started thinking.  What if we could all just talk about the confusion?  The shock?  What if we could use this situation to talk MORE about the topic of child sexual abuse instead of less.  What if instead of sweeping it under the rug, we shined a light on it to let the whole world see?  Whose future sexual abuse could we be responsible for preventing?  Whose daughter?  Whose son?

Let’s start by looking at the facts.  Studies have shown that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.  Take a minute and think about all of the girls and boys that that you know.  Your daughters and your sons.  Your nieces and nephews.  Children who are friends with your kids, that live in your neighborhood, that go to your child’s school.  Then imagine that 1 in 4 of those girls and 1 in 6 of those boys were being or were going to be sexually abused.  That’s an epidemic.  That’s a bigger prevalence rate than any disease out there.  And we have the power to eradicate it.  But so far we haven’t.  Because the majority of us prefer silence to talking.  The topic is just too uncomfortable.

How then can I be so confident that we can make a difference?  Just look at what we’ve been able to accomplish on behalf of children’s safety in my lifetime through talking, teaching, and training.  Car accident injuries?  We used to sit unbuckled in the front seat.  Now we start our kids off in car seats and when they are old enough we teach them how to buckle up on their own in the back seat.   Skin cancer?  We used to sunbathe in baby oil.  Now we put sunscreen on our babies and teach them to use it whenever they go out in the sun.  Flu season?  We’ve schooled our kids to wash their hands to prevent the spread of germs.  Bike accidents?  Helmets.   The list goes on and on.  And you know what? We can make just as big of a difference in stopping sexual abuse if we put our collective minds to it.

If you’re not with me yet, then let’s talk about the effects of being a victim of child sexual abuse.  That should make us all pause and consider just how serious this problem is.  I love what the Darkness To Light organization has to say on this.  “If child sexual abuse left physical scars instead emotional ones, people would be horrified. Sexual abuse can negatively impact every part of a victim’s life. The real tragedy is that it robs children of their potential, setting into motion a chain of events and decisions that follow the victim throughout his or her life.”

As children, victims of child sexual abuse are significantly more likely to have academic, behavioral, and emotional problems.  They are more likely to be promiscuous, act out sexually, and become a teen parent.  Plus, they have an increased likelihood of substance abuse problems and juvenile delinquency.

But then it gets worse, because the effects of child sexual abuse continue on into adulthood.  Right now there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S.  That’s right, 42 million!  Adults who were victimized as children are more likely to have mental health problems, substance abuse problems, suicide attempts, obesity, eating disorders, physical health problems, and criminal involvement (either as a victim or a perpetrator).  Not every survivor suffers these effects, but the likelihood that they will increases dramatically just because they were the victims of child sexual abuse.  As a parent, I know that I would do anything in my power to keep my children from these risks.  And I know that deep down, even if you’ve been silent on the issue, you want to keep your children safe from these risks too.

But what about the perpetrator?  90% of the perpetrators of child sexual abuse are individuals that are known and trusted by the victim or their family.  90%!  Over the past month I’ve talked to countless people who have had difficulty believing this statistic.  But think about it.  As parents, we wouldn’t leave our children alone with people we didn’t know or trust.   You certainly wouldn’t entertain the idea of leaving your child alone with a person who “looked like” a child molester.  That’s the thing.  People who sexually abuse children look just like people who don’t.  There is no way to know who is or who is not a perpetrator based on their appearance.

Sex offenders are, however, more likely to be men.  Although the percentages vary, of those offenders that are brought into the legal system, fewer than 5% are female.  But otherwise, perpetrators of child sexual abuse come from all walks of life and look and act just like everyone else.  The fact that someone is a Christian, or any other religious orientation for that matter, does not make them any more or less likely to be a sex offender.

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse most often abuse children in situations where they are one-on-one with the victim.  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs when the child is alone with the perpetrator.  Adult perpetrators often try to establish a trusting relationship with children and their families just so that they can have access to the child.  They often slowly introduce inappropriate comments and touches in a way that makes the child unaware that abuse is actually occurring until it is already happening.  But juveniles can be perpetrators of sexual abuse too.  Studies have shown that 34% of perpetrators are juveniles.  Adolescent sex offenders are less likely to re-offend if provided with appropriate treatment, compared to adult offenders.

Now that you know some of the facts about sexual abuse, how do you feel?  Do you feel like you want to stay silent?  Or do you feel like you want to start talking to prevent children from being the victims of child sexual abuse?  I hope like me you chose the latter.

Starting now, talk about this epidemic with your friends, with your family, and within your community.  Post about it on Facebook.  Twitter.  Pinterest.  Don’t be afraid.  Don’t be embarrassed.  Talk to your church leaders, day care directors, and school administrators.  Ask what they are doing to protect children from child sexual abuse.  Shine a light on this issue.  Talk to your children, uncomfortable as that might be (For tips on this check out my post Let’s Talk About Sexual Abuse).  By talking about it openly, we can shift the inaccurate perception that child sexual abuse is something that should be kept secret or swept under the rug.  More importantly, by talking about it we can help prevent it.

We should be able to get to a point where talking about the prevention of child sexual abuse is as natural as telling our children to put on their helmet before going on a bike ride or asking them if they’re wearing sunscreen before heading off to the pool.  We’re not there yet, but together one day we can be.

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.

photo credit: Vincent_AF via photopin cc

Guess what?  The lady that seemed like a stranger to me was really my mom’s friend.  I felt so bad for keeping her waiting outside in the cold, but both she and my mom agreed that I had done the right thing by not opening the door for a stranger.  I had been trained well growing up in the big city of Memphis.  Never trust a stranger.

Fast forward to today.  I live in the small town of Auburn, Alabama where we teach our children Southern hospitality.  Say hello or ‘War Eagle’ to complete strangers, especially if they are wearing orange and blue.  One of my childhood friends from Memphis visited me here recently.  We were taking pictures at Toomer’s Corner and put our purses down briefly on the sidewalk.  A guy walked by and as she dove for our purses she yelled “Quick get your purse!”  I stood there confused until she said, “Are you crazy, he could have stolen our purses!”  Never had that even crossed my mind.  I guess twenty years out of the big city has made me a little less careful than I need to be about strangers.

Sadly, even in a small town, we need to be aware of strangers and teach our children how to respond to them in a way that keeps them safe.  That fact hit home late last week when a man was spotted at several area schools in the parking lot allegedly watching children.  Parents like me who hadn’t been that concerned before suddenly began to feel an urgency to give our kids a crash course on stranger danger.

But before we talk to our children about stranger danger, we as parents need to keep a few things in mind.  Studies have consistently shown that people who hurt children are most often people that the child knows, many times even people in their own family, rather than complete strangers.  In fact, more than 75% of kidnappings are committed by family or acquaintances.

As parents we are more fearful of stranger abductions, like Leiby Kletzky, than we are about the more common kidnappings by family members or acquaintances. It’s only natural.  We think, no one my child knows will harm them, right?  Well, unfortunately the statistics say otherwise.  That’s why it’s just as important to teach our kids how to stay safe in general, from both strangers and people that they know.

It’s also important to educate our kids about stranger danger in a way that doesn’t make them so frightened that they will never want to leave the house!  When talking with your kids about strangers, you need to stay calm and matter of fact.  If you can’t remain calm when teaching them about stranger danger, you can’t expect them to be level headed if they ever are actually approached by a stranger!

Now you’re ready to teach your child about stranger danger.  Here’s how:

First things first, who is a stranger?  Strangers are ANYONE that you don’t know.  They’re not scary looking people, in fact they usually look like nice people.  But if you don’t know them then that makes them a stranger.  Strangers might even use your child’s name to trick them into thinking they know them, but if your child doesn’t actually know the person then they are still a stranger.  There’s a quick online quiz that goes through pictures asking “Is this person a stranger?”  The answer to all of the questions is YES, and it’s neat to show your child how normal strangers can look.

Next, tell your child that “most strangers are good, but there are some bad strangers who might try to hurt you.”  Explain that “they might try to touch you in a way that is bad or they might try to take you away from your parents and hurt you.  Again, most strangers aren’t like this, but it’s important to know what to do if you are approached by a stranger so that you can stay safe.”  Good strangers will usually approach a child only when a parent is around and can tell the child whether the person is safe or not.  Bad strangers, on the other hand, usually approach children when they are alone or without their parent.

The most important thing to teach your child about strangers is NOT to go anywhere with them.  Bad strangers might try to get children to go into their car or go to a private location.  Teach your children that they need yell, bite, kick, and scream to get away from a stranger who tries to take them somewhere.  Stay far away from their car and turn and run away (screaming) if possible.  Make sure they know they will NOT get into trouble for doing this, since it’s exactly the opposite of what we usually teach our children about good manners, especially in a small town.

You also need to tell your children that bad strangers will make up lies to try to trick children into going with them.  They might use any of the following: “Your mom is sick and asked me to give you a ride,” “I need directions, can you help me,” “I’ve lost my puppy, can you look for him with me,” “You have to come with me now or your whole family will be killed,” or “You’re so pretty, I’m a photographer and would like to take your picture for a magazine.”  Teach your children NEVER to fall for these tricks.  Role play with them about these scenarios and let them know that you would NEVER send a stranger to get them in the event of an emergency.  Another good tip is telling your kids that adults wouldn’t ask a child for help, they would ask another adult.  So, if an adult is asking a child for help then that should be a signal to the child that they need to get away!

Last but not least teach your children who to look for if they are not with you and are approached by a stranger or get lost.  Get as far away from the stranger as quickly as possible and find a safe adult to get help.  They can ask for help from another adult that that they know, a store clerk, policeman, teacher, neighbor, or another mom with small children.  Teach them your cell phone number so that they can always know how to reach you if they are separated from you.

There’s more we can all do to educate our kids on staying safe, but these five tips are a good start to a lifelong conversation about stranger danger.  For more information, check out this video clip on teaching this valuable lesson to kids:

Recently I answered this question online as a JustAsk Expert at Education.com.  Having gone through this with clients and my own kids, I thought I’d share my response with my readers here as well.

The Question:  How do I save myself from this?  I get bullied constantly.  Other kids call me names and threaten me if I don’t do their homework.  What can I do?

The Answer:  Bullying is a very common problem, and I am so sorry that you are being hurt in this way by your peers.  Bullies can make you feel helpless and alone, but you are NOT alone.

It’s hard to stop bullying on your own, you need the support of an adult who knows what to do.  Whatever you do, don’t try to solve this problem on your own.  There are people all around you who can and WILL help you, so tell an adult that you trust about the name calling, threats, and bullying.

Your parents, a teacher, your principal, or a school counselor are there to help you. Tell them about everything that you have written here so that they can best keep you safe from threats and stop this bullying immediately.

I’m attaching several websites all about what to do when you are being victimized and threatened by a bully.  I hope you look at them to get support for what to do to deal with this, encouragement to talk to a trusted adult in your life, and realization that you are not alone!

If you feel like you need to talk to someone on the phone about what is going on, you can call Childhelp at 1-800-422-4453.  They have counselors available to talk to you 24 hours a day 7 days a week to help you figure out how to stop an abusive situation.

You have done the right thing by reaching out online for help.  Keep that going and tell a trusted adult in your life so that they can help you stay safe and end this terrible situation.

Resources:

StopBullying.gov – How Do I Get Help?

ReachOut.com – What To Do If You Are Being Bullied

Education.com – Bullying At School And Online

Bullying can increase your risk for suicide.  For help you can call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact a psychologist in your community.