When our kids get older, it becomes harder and harder to connect with them.  But as parents, it’s especially important for us to continue to put in the extra effort it takes to cultivate relationships with our tweens and teens.  Check out my top ten ideas for engaging your teen in activities you’ll both enjoy:

Learn a new skill as a team.  Decide together what you’d like to learn and go for it.  Cooking, photography, music, and art classes are regular offerings in most communities.  Or learn how to kayak, play golf, or tennis.  Really feeling adventurous?  Learn a foreign language together!   

Play a game.  Sure traditional board games are great, but teens are hooked on their electronics and there are lots of fun games that you can enjoy with them.  For instance, play a game of ‘Words With Friends’ on your smart phones.  Start a two player game on a tablet.  Even see what those video games of theirs are all about.  I promise, it will be fun!   

Complete a project.  If you’re like me, then you probably have a lot of projects around your house that need completing!  Whether you wash the cars, paint a room, or work in the yard together, there’s a lot of satisfaction (and bonding) that comes from finishing a project together.  Or pick a DIY Pinterest inspired activity or craft and work with your teen to get it completed.

Share your hobbies.  Think about the things you like to do.  Now share those interests with your kids.  It could be taking them to your painting class, letting them make a scrapbook with you, or bringing them along to set up your fantasy football team. 

Learn about their hobbies too.  Have them play some of their favorite music for you and tell you about why they like it.  Watch a movie they love together.  Then let them tell you about their other interests and see where you can find common ground. 

Have them teach you.  Are you lost when it comes to social media?  When someone asks you to upload or download something do you even know what they are talking about?  Well, guess what?  You teen knows all these things.  Have them give you some tutorials.  You’ll know more and be impressed with how technologically savvy they are!

Plan a trip.  Get your teens help planning your next family vacation or a day trip for just the two of you.  They can get involved with finding a hotel room, getting directions, scheduling activities, and learning about the place you’ll be visiting. 

Schedule a date.  Get their opinion on what they’d like to do and schedule some time together to make it happen.  And don’t worry, your date doesn’t have to cost a lot!  Get creative and look at what’s being offered in your community that you can both enjoy.  Or take your hammocks to the park and just relax.  

Get moving.  A great way to connect with your teen is to exercise together.  You can go for a walk, run, or bike ride or work out together at the gym.  Participating in an organized race will also be an experience you will both enjoy, such as a 5K, color (see picture!) run, or mud run. 

Volunteer.  Last but not least, volunteer your time together.  From mission trips to a morning at the local food pantry, there are ample opportunities for you and your teen to help others.  Look at the options in your community and decide together where you’d like to help.

What do you and your teen like to do together?   For more tips on this topic, check out my post Quality Time With Teens.

With the incidence of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) recently changing from 1 in 88 to 1 in 50 children, it’s likely that all of us know someone impacted by this disorder.  Given that likelihood, what can we do to support children with Autism and their families? I guarantee that if you walk in their shoes for just a little while you’ll have a much greater understanding and appreciation of both the joys and the struggles of Autism.  Here’s how:

First, educate yourself about Autism.  According to the Autism Speaks website, Autism is “characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.”  Boys are four to five times more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than girls.  Despite difficulties with social interactions and communication, many individuals with Autism “excel in visual skills, music, math and art.”  Websites like AutismSpeaks.org and Autism-Society.org both offer reliable and up to date information about Autism.  Also, NBC’s hit show, Parenthood, features a boy named Max who is diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder.  This show offers a realistic portrayal of Autism Spectrum Disorders and their day to day impact on families.

Next, take what you’ve learned about Autism and share it with your kids.  There are several great books geared for kids that can help get the conversation started and keep it going.  Two of my favorites are The Autism Acceptance Book and My Friend Has Autism.  All kids need friends, and children with Autism are no exception.  Boys and girls with Autism are especially susceptible to being bullied, so it’s important to teach our kids from an early age how to be a friend to their peers with Autism Spectrum Disorders.   

If your child has a classmate or peer with Autism, arrange a play date or invite the family over.  Find out if there is anything you or your kids can do to make the outing or event as successful as possible.  Children with Autism are more than their diagnosis.  Get to know them, their likes and dislikes, their hobbies and interests, and you’ll be certain to find more things in common than you ever realized. From one parent to another, I encourage you not to let the diagnosis of Autism keep you from reaching out to a child or a family.

And last but not least, get involved!  April is Autism Awareness Month.  In your community there are lots of ways to show your support for children and families living with Autism.  For example, on April 2 you can promote Autism Awareness by wearing blue or displaying a blue light bulb by your front door for Light It Up Blue day hosted by Autism Speaks.  Or, you and your family can participate in one of the many walks supporting Autism happening in April all over the country.  Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll find that like me, you’ll be the one blessed beyond measure.

Click here for the free e-book Sticks and Stones: Helping Your Child With Autism Spectrum Disorders Cope With Bullying.

1. Melted Crayon Art
2. Candles Made From Oranges
3. Legos (or Barbie Shoes) Liquid Soap
4. Knockoff Elastic Headbands
5. Friendship Bracelet Earbuds
6. Make Your Own Bubble Gum Machine
7. Watermelon Slushy
8. Tutu Bed Skirt
9. Chocolate Balloon
10. Crayon Valentines
11. Finger Knitting
12. Paint Chip Bookmarks
13. Jewelry Displays

Happy 13^th birthday LRD.  I love you so much and am so proud to be your mom.  You amaze me each and every day!

Does that sound familiar?  These are the types of concerns and questions that I hear from parents every single day.  At some point or another, most of us have been there, me included!  Wondering if we could improve our children’s lives or tackle a few of their specific problems with counseling.

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

Doesn’t that sound good?  Unfortunately that’s not the way therapy usually happens for a number of reasons.  Often the cost of therapy keeps many people from being able to get services.  Even if you have insurance, the co-pay can just be too much.  Others can’t get therapy because they don’t have a child psychologist in their community or there is a long wait to get an appointment.  And sadly, some don’t pursue therapy for their kids because they worry about the stigma associated with seeing a psychologist.

So, what’s my answer when people ask me if their child needs therapy?  Usually I tell them to trust their instincts.  As parents, we know our children better than anyone.  If something doesn’t seem right then go with that gut feeling and get help.

But how do you even start?  Here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

Figure out as best you can specifically what you’re concerned about and want help with.  Easier said than done I know, but before you start searching for a therapist you’re going to want to at least have an idea of what you need their help for.  Think about it this way.  Imagine you’ve got a lot of health issues.  Bad knees, poor eye sight, high blood pressure.  But right this very minute you have a fever and sore throat.  When you go to the doctor, you’ll want to fill them in on your entire health history, but what you really want (and need) is some immediate relief for your sore throat!  Getting your blood pressure under control, eyes corrected with glasses, and knee surgery are goals for some future point too, but the most pressing issue is the sore throat.  Think about your child’s issues from that vantage point.  What’s their “sore throat” problem right now?  What’s the biggest concern you have?  You can still get help in other areas, but you need a starting point.

Once you’ve given some thought to the issue you want to address, do some research.  Before you get excited, DO NOT do a Google search.  Repeat after me.  No Google searches.  Instead, find and buy one of the many well written books by child psychologists that teach parents how to address the common problems of childhood at home with your child.  I have a few favorites.  Topics like defiance, anxiety, anger, divorce, and social skills to name a few.  A lot of times those books will take you step by step through a treatment protocol to get your kids back on the right track.  Don’t get me wrong.  They’re not magic!  They require your involvement every step of the way.  But they can be a perfect place to start for solving problems with your child.

If the problem is serious, overwhelming, or you just need more help than a book can offer, then you’ll want to seek the help of a professional.  Depending on the issue, I often tell parents to talk to their child’s pediatrician or school counselor first.  They will be able to provide some immediate assistance and are familiar with your child and the options for therapy in your community.  You’ll also want to check with your insurance to see if they cover therapy services, and if they have providers in your area that you are required to use.  If you’ve done all of that and still need help finding a therapist, try some ‘old school’ methods.  Think word of mouth and the phone book.  Jump to the modern era and you can also find qualified therapists online using a psychologist locator like the one provided by the American Psychological Association.  No matter how you select a psychologist, you’ll want to make sure that they are licensed by your state psychology board or working under the supervision of a licensed psychologist AND that they have specialized in child psychology.

No matter what, don’t forget to trust your instincts.  If you think that you or your child would benefit from talking with a therapist, then go with that gut feeling and get help.  Best of luck!

Why?  Because silence about child sexual abuse sends the wrong message.  It tells victims, past, present, and future, that we are willing to look away.  That we are too uncomfortable or too disturbed by what has happened to tackle the problem head on.

Not one to let anger get the best of me, I started thinking.  What if we could all just talk about the confusion?  The shock?  What if we could use this situation to talk MORE about the topic of child sexual abuse instead of less.  What if instead of sweeping it under the rug, we shined a light on it to let the whole world see?  Whose future sexual abuse could we be responsible for preventing?  Whose daughter?  Whose son?

Let’s start by looking at the facts.  Studies have shown that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.  Take a minute and think about all of the girls and boys that that you know.  Your daughters and your sons.  Your nieces and nephews.  Children who are friends with your kids, that live in your neighborhood, that go to your child’s school.  Then imagine that 1 in 4 of those girls and 1 in 6 of those boys were being or were going to be sexually abused.  That’s an epidemic.  That’s a bigger prevalence rate than any disease out there.  And we have the power to eradicate it.  But so far we haven’t.  Because the majority of us prefer silence to talking.  The topic is just too uncomfortable.

How then can I be so confident that we can make a difference?  Just look at what we’ve been able to accomplish on behalf of children’s safety in my lifetime through talking, teaching, and training.  Car accident injuries?  We used to sit unbuckled in the front seat.  Now we start our kids off in car seats and when they are old enough we teach them how to buckle up on their own in the back seat.   Skin cancer?  We used to sunbathe in baby oil.  Now we put sunscreen on our babies and teach them to use it whenever they go out in the sun.  Flu season?  We’ve schooled our kids to wash their hands to prevent the spread of germs.  Bike accidents?  Helmets.   The list goes on and on.  And you know what? We can make just as big of a difference in stopping sexual abuse if we put our collective minds to it.

If you’re not with me yet, then let’s talk about the effects of being a victim of child sexual abuse.  That should make us all pause and consider just how serious this problem is.  I love what the Darkness To Light organization has to say on this.  “If child sexual abuse left physical scars instead emotional ones, people would be horrified. Sexual abuse can negatively impact every part of a victim’s life. The real tragedy is that it robs children of their potential, setting into motion a chain of events and decisions that follow the victim throughout his or her life.”

As children, victims of child sexual abuse are significantly more likely to have academic, behavioral, and emotional problems.  They are more likely to be promiscuous, act out sexually, and become a teen parent.  Plus, they have an increased likelihood of substance abuse problems and juvenile delinquency.

But then it gets worse, because the effects of child sexual abuse continue on into adulthood.  Right now there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S.  That’s right, 42 million!  Adults who were victimized as children are more likely to have mental health problems, substance abuse problems, suicide attempts, obesity, eating disorders, physical health problems, and criminal involvement (either as a victim or a perpetrator).  Not every survivor suffers these effects, but the likelihood that they will increases dramatically just because they were the victims of child sexual abuse.  As a parent, I know that I would do anything in my power to keep my children from these risks.  And I know that deep down, even if you’ve been silent on the issue, you want to keep your children safe from these risks too.

But what about the perpetrator?  90% of the perpetrators of child sexual abuse are individuals that are known and trusted by the victim or their family.  90%!  Over the past month I’ve talked to countless people who have had difficulty believing this statistic.  But think about it.  As parents, we wouldn’t leave our children alone with people we didn’t know or trust.   You certainly wouldn’t entertain the idea of leaving your child alone with a person who “looked like” a child molester.  That’s the thing.  People who sexually abuse children look just like people who don’t.  There is no way to know who is or who is not a perpetrator based on their appearance.

Sex offenders are, however, more likely to be men.  Although the percentages vary, of those offenders that are brought into the legal system, fewer than 5% are female.  But otherwise, perpetrators of child sexual abuse come from all walks of life and look and act just like everyone else.  The fact that someone is a Christian, or any other religious orientation for that matter, does not make them any more or less likely to be a sex offender.

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse most often abuse children in situations where they are one-on-one with the victim.  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs when the child is alone with the perpetrator.  Adult perpetrators often try to establish a trusting relationship with children and their families just so that they can have access to the child.  They often slowly introduce inappropriate comments and touches in a way that makes the child unaware that abuse is actually occurring until it is already happening.  But juveniles can be perpetrators of sexual abuse too.  Studies have shown that 34% of perpetrators are juveniles.  Adolescent sex offenders are less likely to re-offend if provided with appropriate treatment, compared to adult offenders.

Now that you know some of the facts about sexual abuse, how do you feel?  Do you feel like you want to stay silent?  Or do you feel like you want to start talking to prevent children from being the victims of child sexual abuse?  I hope like me you chose the latter.

Starting now, talk about this epidemic with your friends, with your family, and within your community.  Post about it on Facebook.  Twitter.  Pinterest.  Don’t be afraid.  Don’t be embarrassed.  Talk to your church leaders, day care directors, and school administrators.  Ask what they are doing to protect children from child sexual abuse.  Shine a light on this issue.  Talk to your children, uncomfortable as that might be (For tips on this check out my post Let’s Talk About Sexual Abuse).  By talking about it openly, we can shift the inaccurate perception that child sexual abuse is something that should be kept secret or swept under the rug.  More importantly, by talking about it we can help prevent it.

We should be able to get to a point where talking about the prevention of child sexual abuse is as natural as telling our children to put on their helmet before going on a bike ride or asking them if they’re wearing sunscreen before heading off to the pool.  We’re not there yet, but together one day we can be.

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.

photo credit: Vincent_AF via photopin cc