Her father and I have not talked to her about her biological mother’s death yet, and she knows only me as Mommy. I don’t think she even understands that she had a different birth mother. We don’t want to hide the truth from her either, but I’ve been very concerned about how/when/if to broach the subject with her. The first two years of her life were fairly unstable and she had no routine–her dad and I have worked very hard in the last year as we’ve become a cohesive family together to provide this structure and support for her. She’s doing great.

There is really no literature that I can find that discusses how to talk about suicide and the death of a parent to a young child who was so young when the parent died that they don’t remember them at all. What is the best way to incorporate this sensitively and factually with her?

So far, I’ve used language such as, “Daddy was sick” and “his heart stopped working.” I’ve used other language, but ‘hurt’ is from he. He shaped his hand like a gun when he said this to me. He may think the police hurt his dad. They did not, but there was quite a scene at our home that night. (Gunshots in Suburb-landia tend to bring out three or more jurisdictions, and a helicopter.) The children slept through most of it, but woke up at daybreak, when the police and medical examiner were still on the property. (No one in my family saw it happen, found him, or saw him dead.)

I have always been honest with my children and I want to be honest with them now. My son is asking questions and I believe at some level he must know and he knows he is receiving only part of the whole truth. I had to tell him that his dad died the morning after it happened and I will never forget, ever, the way he looked at me.

Is six too young to know his dad killed himself? I could probably deal with the aftermath of his reaction better now than later, and it will be hard for me to face lying to him for much longer.