No, I Don’t Have Any Wipes

If you’ve been following my blog, then you probably know that I’ve been potty training my youngest daughter.  She just turned three and we’ve been at it for about three weeks.  I thought you might like to know how it’s going.  She and I have been in a battle over pottying for the past year and a half, and you’re about to get the play by play.  This is going to be gross, so consider yourself warned and proceed at your own risk.

When my precious baby was one and a half, I went to get her out of her crib one morning and she was covered head to toe in poop.  For real.  See the picture if you think I’m lying.  I saw her and walked calmly out of the room and ran for my camera.  I’m sure she’ll be tortured by that little incident (and the photo) for years.

You see, she was young enough to be completely intrigued by her leaking diaper, instead of being grossed out like she should have been.  But sadly she was old enough to have thought it was paint, because she had it smeared everywhere.  Thankfully my sister, who is a nurse, was visiting and got to help with the clean up.  She took the kid, and I took the room.  Not sure who got the better end of that deal.  From that day on,  she slept in long sleeved footed pajamas with a zipper.  We put them on backwards, sort of like a straight jacket, so that she could not get out of them and into any mischief.

Fast forward to a few months ago at one of our Auburn football tailgates.  We had a huge group at our usual spot with a bunch of adults and about five million kids between us.  Maybe not five million, but A LOT of kids.  We had a huge food spread, and lots of fun and festivities were going on before the big game.  My daughter decides it’s a good time to have the most disgusting leaking dirty diaper that I have ever seen.

Somehow I remained calm and went for the diaper bag.  I had packed it full with all the supplies I might need, since we literally had to park about a mile away from the tailgate spot.  I had to be prepared!  When I opened it up, there were TWO wipes left.  Yes, I said two.  All of the kids at the tailgate had been using my wipes to clean their sticky faces and hands.  Are you kidding me?

That’s when I learned who my true friends were.  NOBODY!  My husband and best friends all stood at a distance to watch and see how I was going to handle this disaster.  I took my shoes off (not sure why, but it seemed to convey my seriousness) and got down in the grass to clean up the mess.  Picture this though.  Throngs of college age students were walking by this scene and were practically vomiting in the bushes over the sight of it.  I think I provided a birth control plan for at least fifty Auburn University students that day.

Meanwhile, friends and husband are still watching from a distance.  Some start snapping pictures, others are looking away trying to avoid getting roped into helping.  Some of my lawyer friends at the tailgate were documenting the incident in case it was ever brought to trial.  One of my sweet friends finally took pity on my and came over with some paper towels and bottled water.  Somehow, at least a roll of paper towels and a six pack of water later we got her clean.

Here we are now several months later.  We’ve been potty training for a few weeks, and she can go pee-pee in the potty with no problem.  I’m happy for that, don’t get me wrong.  But, we’ve still got a long way to go.  The poop.  Today was a usual Thursday afternoon for me.  Work, orthodontist for child three, ballet for child two, zumba for me.  I look forward to my zumba class like nothing else.  My teacher is a rock star.  Literally.  Her class is so popular that even gym members have to get there thirty minutes early to get a ticket to get in.  After about 75 of us are there the bouncer starts turning people away at the door.  I love it.

So, I get there early, take the kids to childcare, get my rock star teacher zumba ticket, turn it in to the bouncer, wait for class to start, and get to zumbaing.  Today I’m super pumped because I’m trying my new five finger shoes.  They’re ugly, but I’ve heard great things about them, so I was giving them a try.  About twenty minutes into the class, this official looking gym man comes into the class and screams to the instructor “POLLY TO CHILD CARE.”  Because we were in the dark and rocking hard no one could really hear him, so rock star zumba teacher gets to announce it on the mic.  Lucky me.

I go quickly to the child care hoping that none of my children are injured and what do I find?  My sweet potty training three year old daughter sitting in the corner of the room covered from the waist down in poop.  Pants are brown, it’s in the socks, it’s everywhere.  Not kidding.  All of the kids in the child care had circled her.  Some were screaming, some were running away, others holding their noses.  One said, “It’s not blood, it’s poop!”  The worker was spraying disinfectant.  Children were falling apart.  Their parents are going to be bringing them to my office for treatment tomorrow.

I maintain my cool (and strong desire to walk out and go back to zumba) and ask the worker if she has any wipes.  No.  She doesn’t.  And guess who had a diaper bag full of diapers, pull ups, panties, clothes, and NO WIPES?  Me!  Are you kidding me?  The worker does have garbage bags.  She hands me four and sends me on my way.  I lined the car seat with them, because at the moment I could think of nothing else to do but get the heck out of there!

On the way out the door I called my husband to make sure he was going to be home to help me when I got there.  He’s not sure after he hears why.  I can’t blame him, but thankfully he meets me at the door with a garbage bag and somehow we get her clean after approximately 100 wipes.  Everything she had on went in the trash.  Even after a shower and a bottle of vodka, I mean hand sanitizer, I’m not sure I’m recovered.  Or if I ever will be.  And unless you want to hear this story again, don’t ask me how the potty training is going.  Or if I have any wipes.

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  1. Andrea says

    Oh Polly – this makes me laugh! I have so been there too. Luckily we have thus far avoided the explosive public events, but stories like this always remind me of two other friends this kind of thing frequently happens to. And that is why Isabelle still wears diapers.

    • Polly says

      Thankfully we made it through zumba this morning without incident. I thought they might have banned us from the childcare, but they didn’t!

  2. Natalie Arnette says

    Polly, I laughed until I cried! I have been there! Someday I’ll share the story in full, but it involves a potty training three year old, the slide at Chick fil A, forty kids there for “family night,” and diarrhea. He refused to come down, so I had to go in. It wasn’t pretty up there… We really know how to clear a playground! Still haven’t been back…

  3. says

    Okay–I was laughing so hard, I had tears rolling down my face! I remember this time in my kids life. One of ours had a major diaper that went everywhere the first time we were coming to see family after he was born. We had him decked out in a Christmas outfit and we, too, had a limited number of wipes. James and I were both gagging, but laugh now and agree that it was a rite of parenthood passage!

    • Polly says

      Glad you enjoyed Kristen! I think diaper explosions must be one of those things you change your opinion about the more time that passes, like the pain of childbirth. When you’re in it it’s awful, but when you look back on it you can really find the humor in the situation! When I went to the gym this morning I put a box of wipes in my car, just in case!

  4. says

    I feel your pain! I had my goddaughter at my son’s baseball game in the middle of nowhere and she had such a disgusting blowout that it was dripping down into her shoes while I walked her to the bathroom. I put her in another diaper (gagging while I spent at least 30 minutes cleaning her up). Once she’s in the new diaper she poops again. Now I had no more diapers and had to walk around with a bottomless little girl until the game was over. I did have my own sweatshirt to wrap around her waist but it was still obvious she had no pants. Everyone was staring at us the whole time. I’m soooooo glad all my kids are potty trained now! Good luck!

    • Polly says

      Okay, that is totally disgusting! You must love your goddaughter like she was your own! LOL! I think all moms must have some really gross leaky diaper stories. Fun to get to share them and realize we aren’t alone!

    • Polly says

      Love your blog, too! So FUNNY! Thanks for reading, and I’m glad you found me, too (and that you got a good laugh/cry)!

  5. Angie White says

    So amazingly funny!!! I hate that your mojo got quenched by the disturbing call to daycare….I would have needed more than the bottle! JK…. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Cling to that truth! Thanks for sharing. Glad I was there to help you out at tailgate! Love you!

    • Polly says

      Girl, it was a nightmare! I think I’m traumatized for life! LOL! Thanks for being the only friend to step up at the tailgate! Not sure how I would have survived that one without you.

  6. says

    Hi Polly! Here I am from BloggyMoms/Alabama Bloggers. :)

    As I think of what to say after reading your post, I am not sure if I should say I enjoyed your post or thanks for sharing or what because those words aren’t exactly fitting given the subject matter. Just know that my response is positive! I’m in the granny phase of my life and somehow we manage to survive everything those little human bodies can throw at us.

    In my early parenting years, it was barf that I had to deal with rather than poop to the magnitude you have. My son vomited in a floor furnace once while I was preggers with #2. Hubs was not available to help so I was on my stomach at 7 months trying to clean out the floor furnace. When #2 comes along, she became a barf queen. She blessed the interior of a brand new car once on a hot August day while on a trip. She managed to cover 2/3 of the inside of that car somehow. Once she barfed over the side of her bed, down into the frame and onto the carpet. Nothing like dismantling a bed to clean up barf. There are many more stories on her. I kept Dramimine in the car if going more than a 10 minute trip.

    I feel your misery. Wait until your daughter drops her poop filled pants and tosses them over the fence and the neighbors call you to report flying panties that are “loaded” that need to be retrieved. My son did that to me. ROFL Trust me, you’ll need many more garbage bags.

    My best advice is to get on Amazon. Order a case of wipes. Put them in the trunk, under the seat, in the glovebox. Also stash a box of trashbags in the car someplace too. I honestly had a box with a gallon of water, old wash cloths, towels, disposable gloves, diapers, wipes, bibs, old clothes, blanket etc. I was glad I had it MANY times. I was traumatized by it all. I still have all that stuff hanging around at arms reach. When my grandkids visit, their parents know granny is armed and ready.

    Good luck on the potty training! I have that stupid potty dance song stuck in my head.

  7. Kathryn Besong says

    I can laugh now, but I remember times like these. My wipes (and friends) always disappeared too. I thought I’d never see the day when I would finally have them all potty trained! It will come. Love you girl!

  8. says

    OMG Polly, you make me want to curl into a ball and just pray until Ryan is magically potty trained. I am not sure if I should tackle the task in a weekend or just hope that it gradually happens over time. Ryan’s daycare teachers have said they are waiting until they get the 2 and a half year olds trained before starting with Ryan’s group. I keep telling them, take your time- we are in no rush. I mean I would honestly change 100 diapers a day right now then get peed and pooped on- isn’t that awful. Thanks for sharing your experience. I know I will have to come back and re-read it just to know I am not alone!

    • Polly says

      Girl, I feel your pain! You know you shouldn’t try potty training with a new baby in the house! Don’t worry, she’ll be out of diapers by kindergarten for sure. LOL! And you’re right, you are not alone!

  9. Aimee says

    Polly, I have laughed so hard but at the same time I can only pray that this ends soon (more for your sake than hers, I think). Braden is just getting the hang of it but if you are ever close the house and need some wipes, feel free to stop by.

  10. says

    Found you through BloggyMoms. I hate to say that I enjoyed reading this, but it did give me a chuckle. It also made me realize that I have been very lucky on my few occasions that I left home without my wipes! I think now I will never forget! Great blog! I’m glad to have discovered it!

  11. says

    I just found you at finding the funny and I am so entertained that you are a child psychologist and have your own child refusing to be potty trained. I mean, I’m not happy for you, I just think it’s so very ironic.

    My favorite part was when you took of your shoes to tackle the mess. In my world, I put ON my shoes when I’m serious and have to get down to business. Recently, I took 14 high school kids to Paris for 12 days and on the way home, we had some serious turbulence. I had my shoes sort of half way off, my feet just sort of lolling in them but after a particularly big drop in altitude, I found myself jamming my feet into my shoes and sitting up straight, like that was going to do anything.

    Love your writing, I think I’ll have to come back for more!!

    • says

      It’s very ironic! During the middle of my potty training escapades with child 4 a colleague asked me to teach a “How To Potty Train Your Child In Three Days” workshop. I was NOT the girl for that job! LOL!

  12. says

    No one warns you before you have kids about how awful potty training is. The diaper commercials make it look like fun. I’m so glad those days are behind me! Your post sure brought back memories.

    • says

      I agree, no baby in the diaper (or wipe) commercials is ever covered head to toe in poop! Those days are thankfully behind me too, but still very close in the rear view mirror!

  13. says

    Oh, nooooo!!!!!!!!! This made me laugh out loud! Ohmygoodnessgracious, that is poop. That is a lot of poop. A LOT. And it’s all over her hair. This was awesome. I might’ve stood there with your husband and friend and watched you clean that up. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would’ve.

    No, I would’ve helped you.

    I like to think I would’ve. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have…

    Yes, I would.

    I’m leaving. Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!


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