Earlier this year I wrote a post about how to talk to your kids about sexual abuse, and I forgot to include one very helpful conversation starter.  Books!  As a child psychologist and a mom, I use books all the time to get kids talking.  It’s amazing how much easier it is for children (and adults) to open up with the help of an engaging story.  With that in mind, I wanted to share a few of my favorite books for kids on the topic of child sexual abuse.  I hope these will be as helpful to your family as they have been to mine:

• U Touch I Tell.  This new release is a precious story that is fun and empowering.  That’s right, FUN!  It’s true.  Even books on child sexual abuse can be entertaining for kids.  In the story a teacher is talking to her class about the importance of telling an adult if anyone touches them inappropriately.  It’s simply described as the part of the body that’s covered by a bathing suit.  The class is then rewarded for learning about ‘U Touch I Tell’ and goes to a theme park where the concept is reinforced.  When this book arrived at my house earlier this week, my 8 year old daughter read it immediately.  She loved it and we were able to have a very easy teaching moment with NO AWKWARDNESS!  True story!  My 4 year old will also be able to follow this book, and will probably be walking around the house repetitively chanting ‘U Touch I Tell’ by the end of the weekend!  I’m honored to have written the forward to this book and hope you’ll find the ‘U Touch I Tell’ message as helpful as I have.
• I Said No.  This ‘kid-to-kid guide to keeping private parts private’ is full of useful information for parents and kids.  It uses ‘red flags’ and ‘green flags’ to get the message across that some touches and situations are dangerous (‘red flags’) and others are a sign of smooth sailing (‘green flag’).  There are lots of examples that teach kids to trust themselves and know that when something doesn’t feel right that it probably isn’t.  Tell a trusted adult if someone touches you inappropriately is repeatedly reinforced, and children are even instructed on how to call 911 in the event of serious danger.  Also included are helpful instructions about how to handle inappropriate touches from other children.  At the end of the book there’s a spot for kids to draw ‘green or red flag people’ and ‘what if’ scenarios.  A definite go to book for talking with your kids about sexual abuse.
• Fred the Fox Shouts “NO!”  Another easy to follow story about a fox named Fred and his family.  What I love about this book is that it tackles the issue of sexual abuse perpetrated by someone a child knows and trusts.  Since 90% of child sexual crimes are perpetrated by those known to the family, this book opens the door to some important conversations we should all be having with our own children.  The repetitive description of shouting no, along with encouragement to say it even LOUDER, really helps kids understand what to do if they are touched inappropriately.  A book you’ll really be glad you shared with your kids.

Do you have any books written for kids about child sexual abuse that you’d like to share?  Have you ever read a book like this to your children?  How did they respond?  We’d love to hear from you to keep this important conversation going.

Finding the right caregiver for your child is a parenting decision not to be taken lightly.  In our society, caregivers can include hired sitters, family members, neighbors, churches, schools, daycares, camps, tutors, coaches, you name it.  The list goes on and on!  When you choose to leave your child in the care of others, it’s important to know that those individuals and organizations are just as devoted to keeping your child safe as you are.

Unfortunately, as parents we often shy away from asking important safety questions to potential caregivers because the topic feels too uncomfortable.  Embarrassing.  Accusatory.  But the new round of media coverage about Penn State and the findings of the Freeh Report last week really got me thinking.  What policies do the people and organizations that care for my children have in place to keep them safe?  Have I ever truly asked the right questions to know their procedures for my child’s safety?

What we’ve learned from the child sexual abuse survivors of Jerry Sandusky is that we MUST ask difficult questions to anyone who is going to care for our children.  We cannot assume that our children are protected from child sexual abuse without asking about it directly.

When selecting a caregiver for your child, or evaluating ones you already use, try asking questions like the four offered below.  Consider what responses you’d like to hear from your caregiver.  Talk about these issues with other parents and community members to learn from their experiences.  There is no time like the present to protect your child from sexual abuse.

1.  Do you have a written policy that describes how you keep my child safe from sexual abuse while in your care?  If not, why?  Many schools, daycares, churches, and organizations have written policies that they can provide you.  Read them and observe your child in the environment to be sure that the policies are implemented to your satisfaction.  If your child’s caregiver or potential caregiver doesn’t have a policy, don’t despair.  Your question can be the start of a good discussion about their role in keeping your child safe from sexual abuse.  If they’re hesitant to talk about this issue or don’t want to be an active participant in your child’s protection from sexual abuse, then your gut will probably tell you that they’re not the right caregiver for your child.

2.  Do you conduct background checks on all of your employees and volunteers?  If not, why?  You don’t want individuals caring for your children who have been convicted as a sex offender or of a violent crime.  Right?  Well, if background checks aren’t done on all employees and volunteers there is no way to know their criminal history.  Period.

3.  Are all of your employees and volunteers trained on how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse?  If not, why?  If all the employees and volunteers at Penn State had been trained in how to prevent and respond to child sexual abuse, then things would have likely turned out very differently there.  It’s as simple as that.  If all of the caregivers are adequately trained, then everyone will know how to keep your child protected.

4.  Are there any situations that my child will be one-on-one with an adult or another child?  If so, why?  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs in one-on-one situations.  If we work actively to reduce one-on-one situations then the likelihood of child sexual abuse will decrease.  If your child’s caregiver does have one-on-one time with them, is that time observable by others or able to be interrupted?  Can you stop by unannounced?  If not, speak with them about why that’s a must for your family.

Have you ever asked your child’s caregivers about their child sexual abuse prevention and response policy?  What tips do you have to share?  We’d love to hear from you on this important topic.

To join the prevention movement in the East Alabama community, ‘like’ and share our Facebook page Prevent Child Sexual Abuse In East Alabama.

To that end I recently became an Authorized Facilitator of the Darkness to Light Stewards For Children Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Program.  You’ll hear more about the program from me in the coming weeks, but one of my first tasks was to join other facilitators across the country in writing letters to the editor following the Jerry Sandusky verdict.

I’ve had some requests to post the letter here for those of you who don’t have access to the Opelika-Auburn News or Auburn Villager.  Feel free to share as we work together in the prevention of child sexual abuse.

Dear Editor:

Last week Jerry Sandusky, Penn State’s former assistant football coach was found guilty on 45 counts of sexual abuse against 10 boys over 15 years. I understand these allegations were hard to believe. I understand that an indictment of this magnitude would be a tragedy in any organization, but Penn State and particularly their football team was known for all-American values of honor, integrity, and hope.  Values that the Auburn family holds dear as well.

Jerry Sandusky deeply violated those values.  And Penn State violated those values as well because they allegedly failed to report these sexual abuse allegations to authorities.  It would be easy to end the story with the firing of key university staff and the quick conviction of Sandusky.  It would be easy to say that we should always report suspicions of abuse, even if we are unsure of what really happened or whether the actions were sexually abusive.  But in the wake of all that has appeared in the media, we must take a deeper look at our own responsibilities.

This tragedy is a wake-up call to every organization that works with children and youth. I hope that such organizations will educate themselves, the families and the children about child sexual abuse.  I encourage every organization to understand what they must do to respond to sexual abuse, to use effective screening tools and to put policies into place about appropriate touch and conduct.  I hope all of us in the Auburn-Opelika community will learn from Penn State and ask questions to help put effective policies in place before any child is harmed.  If you would like to join the movement to prevent child sexual abuse in our community, please email me at polly@childpsychmom.com.

Dr. Polly Dunn, Auburn

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.

Why?  Because silence about child sexual abuse sends the wrong message.  It tells victims, past, present, and future, that we are willing to look away.  That we are too uncomfortable or too disturbed by what has happened to tackle the problem head on.

Not one to let anger get the best of me, I started thinking.  What if we could all just talk about the confusion?  The shock?  What if we could use this situation to talk MORE about the topic of child sexual abuse instead of less.  What if instead of sweeping it under the rug, we shined a light on it to let the whole world see?  Whose future sexual abuse could we be responsible for preventing?  Whose daughter?  Whose son?

Let’s start by looking at the facts.  Studies have shown that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the time they turn 18.  Take a minute and think about all of the girls and boys that that you know.  Your daughters and your sons.  Your nieces and nephews.  Children who are friends with your kids, that live in your neighborhood, that go to your child’s school.  Then imagine that 1 in 4 of those girls and 1 in 6 of those boys were being or were going to be sexually abused.  That’s an epidemic.  That’s a bigger prevalence rate than any disease out there.  And we have the power to eradicate it.  But so far we haven’t.  Because the majority of us prefer silence to talking.  The topic is just too uncomfortable.

How then can I be so confident that we can make a difference?  Just look at what we’ve been able to accomplish on behalf of children’s safety in my lifetime through talking, teaching, and training.  Car accident injuries?  We used to sit unbuckled in the front seat.  Now we start our kids off in car seats and when they are old enough we teach them how to buckle up on their own in the back seat.   Skin cancer?  We used to sunbathe in baby oil.  Now we put sunscreen on our babies and teach them to use it whenever they go out in the sun.  Flu season?  We’ve schooled our kids to wash their hands to prevent the spread of germs.  Bike accidents?  Helmets.   The list goes on and on.  And you know what? We can make just as big of a difference in stopping sexual abuse if we put our collective minds to it.

If you’re not with me yet, then let’s talk about the effects of being a victim of child sexual abuse.  That should make us all pause and consider just how serious this problem is.  I love what the Darkness To Light organization has to say on this.  “If child sexual abuse left physical scars instead emotional ones, people would be horrified. Sexual abuse can negatively impact every part of a victim’s life. The real tragedy is that it robs children of their potential, setting into motion a chain of events and decisions that follow the victim throughout his or her life.”

As children, victims of child sexual abuse are significantly more likely to have academic, behavioral, and emotional problems.  They are more likely to be promiscuous, act out sexually, and become a teen parent.  Plus, they have an increased likelihood of substance abuse problems and juvenile delinquency.

But then it gets worse, because the effects of child sexual abuse continue on into adulthood.  Right now there are more than 42 million adult survivors of child sexual abuse in the U.S.  That’s right, 42 million!  Adults who were victimized as children are more likely to have mental health problems, substance abuse problems, suicide attempts, obesity, eating disorders, physical health problems, and criminal involvement (either as a victim or a perpetrator).  Not every survivor suffers these effects, but the likelihood that they will increases dramatically just because they were the victims of child sexual abuse.  As a parent, I know that I would do anything in my power to keep my children from these risks.  And I know that deep down, even if you’ve been silent on the issue, you want to keep your children safe from these risks too.

But what about the perpetrator?  90% of the perpetrators of child sexual abuse are individuals that are known and trusted by the victim or their family.  90%!  Over the past month I’ve talked to countless people who have had difficulty believing this statistic.  But think about it.  As parents, we wouldn’t leave our children alone with people we didn’t know or trust.   You certainly wouldn’t entertain the idea of leaving your child alone with a person who “looked like” a child molester.  That’s the thing.  People who sexually abuse children look just like people who don’t.  There is no way to know who is or who is not a perpetrator based on their appearance.

Sex offenders are, however, more likely to be men.  Although the percentages vary, of those offenders that are brought into the legal system, fewer than 5% are female.  But otherwise, perpetrators of child sexual abuse come from all walks of life and look and act just like everyone else.  The fact that someone is a Christian, or any other religious orientation for that matter, does not make them any more or less likely to be a sex offender.

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse most often abuse children in situations where they are one-on-one with the victim.  More than 80% of child sexual abuse occurs when the child is alone with the perpetrator.  Adult perpetrators often try to establish a trusting relationship with children and their families just so that they can have access to the child.  They often slowly introduce inappropriate comments and touches in a way that makes the child unaware that abuse is actually occurring until it is already happening.  But juveniles can be perpetrators of sexual abuse too.  Studies have shown that 34% of perpetrators are juveniles.  Adolescent sex offenders are less likely to re-offend if provided with appropriate treatment, compared to adult offenders.

Now that you know some of the facts about sexual abuse, how do you feel?  Do you feel like you want to stay silent?  Or do you feel like you want to start talking to prevent children from being the victims of child sexual abuse?  I hope like me you chose the latter.

Starting now, talk about this epidemic with your friends, with your family, and within your community.  Post about it on Facebook.  Twitter.  Pinterest.  Don’t be afraid.  Don’t be embarrassed.  Talk to your church leaders, day care directors, and school administrators.  Ask what they are doing to protect children from child sexual abuse.  Shine a light on this issue.  Talk to your children, uncomfortable as that might be (For tips on this check out my post Let’s Talk About Sexual Abuse).  By talking about it openly, we can shift the inaccurate perception that child sexual abuse is something that should be kept secret or swept under the rug.  More importantly, by talking about it we can help prevent it.

We should be able to get to a point where talking about the prevention of child sexual abuse is as natural as telling our children to put on their helmet before going on a bike ride or asking them if they’re wearing sunscreen before heading off to the pool.  We’re not there yet, but together one day we can be.

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.

photo credit: Vincent_AF via photopin cc

Studies have shown that approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the time they are eighteen.  And sadly, the abuser is known and trusted by the child and their family in 90% of the cases.

While these statistics are sobering, as a parent you can use these facts to help protect your child from being a victim of sexual abuse.  Here’s how:

1.  From a young age, teach your children about the parts of their body that are “private.”  Use language that is appropriate for their developmental level, but try to get the message across that no one should touch them in their private parts.  Children should also be taught early that they should not show their private parts to others or touch anyone else’s private parts.

2.  Help your children understand the difference between good secrets and bad secrets.  Good secrets are usually short-term and fun.  For example, not telling someone about the present you bought them is a good secret.  It’s happy and exciting, but it’s not a secret that has to be kept forever.  Bad secrets can make you feel upset, scared, or confused.  They may be never ending, like “you can never tell.”  Unlike good secrets, bad secrets shouldn’t be kept by children.

3.  The theory that there is safety in numbers is especially true in the prevention of child sexual abuse.  Try to reduce situations when a child is one-on-one with another adult.  Encourage instead group activities or situations where there will be more than one adult or child present.   When one-on-one situations do occur, schedule outings that are in public or drop in unexpectedly.  Since 80% of child sexual abuse occurs in one-on-one situations, reducing those opportunities will greatly reduce a child’s risk of being victimized.

4.  Although it can feel like an uncomfortable topic, start talking to your children at an early age about sexual abuse.  Let them know that it is important for them to tell you or another trusted adult if someone ever touches them inappropriately or behaves in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.  Encourage your kids that if something feels wrong that it’s always okay for them to say no and tell their parents, even if the person making them uncomfortable is someone they know.  Don’t forget to assure them that they will not get in trouble for telling no matter what.  This is a tough one for kids, since we usually teach them just the opposite – not to be a tattle tale!

5.  And last but not least, if your child comes to you and tells you that they have been abused, then you need to tell them that you believe them, praise them for having the courage to tell you about it, and provide them your unconditional love and support.  Immediately make sure that your child is not in danger and has no further contact with the alleged abuser.  Then contact the police and/or the Department of Human Resources to file a report and begin an investigation.

If you suspect abuse or have questions, call the National Child Abuse Hotline, ChildHelp, at 1-800-4-A-CHILD for guidance 24 hours a day.  Child psychologists and child advocacy centers in your area can also provide needed assistance and therapy services.  Together we can work to protect our children from child sexual abuse, when the issue is in the headlines and especially when it’s not.