I wrote the post School Shootings: How To Talk With Your Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy shortly after I learned about the massacre at Sandy Hook.  I know a lot of you are out there having these difficult conversations this weekend with your kids.  I feel for you and am right there with you having the same gut wrenching talks at my house.  I’ve gotten a few follow up questions from my last post, and I wanted to share with you my answers to help you along your journey.

Should we let our young kids watch the news related to the shooting?

To be honest, I have purposefully avoided television news since the shooting occurred.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s just too overwhelming.  I stay up to date on the news via the internet and only from reputable news organizations.  So, my opinion would be don’t let your young kids watch television news about this tragedy.  It’s pretty scary and graphic and you have no control over what is being shown to them.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

My child is in kindergarten (first grade, second grade, etc.).  Aren’t they too young to know about this?  I want to maintain their innocence as long as possible.

I agree completely!  I want to maintain the innocence of my children too!  But sadly, if they are school age (kindergarten or older) they are going to find out about this tragedy from someone and probably by Monday morning.  As a parent you’d much rather it be from you than from someone else.  The exceptions would be if your children are homeschooled, don’t participate in activities with other children, and you don’t have television or internet access in your home.  None of that applies at my house, so I’ve discussed this shooting with my second grader, seventh grader, and tenth grader.  My four year old is the only one who escaped having to learn about this because she is a) in preschool, b) on winter break until January, and c) not developmentally capable of understanding this in my opinion.  As the parent it is ALWAYS your choice whether or not you want to tell your children anything.  But my advice is that if they are old enough then you should tell them about it before they hear it from someone else.

Is it the right time to talk with them about safety plans or does that make it seem too scary?

Yes, this is exactly the right time.  So many teachers and students lives were saved yesterday because they followed their safety plans.  When talking with my kids, I asked them about the safety drills they had at their school and we agreed that this type of incident is why those plans have to be in place.  It was a simple and short part of our conversation, but it helped them see the value of practicing these safety drills and listening to the instructions of their teachers during emergencies.

Do you have any advice to share from talking to your kids about this tragedy?  Do you have any questions?  Feel free to share below. 

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Does that sound familiar?  These are the types of concerns and questions that I hear from parents every single day.  At some point or another, most of us have been there, me included!  Wondering if we could improve our children’s lives or tackle a few of their specific problems with counseling.

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

Doesn’t that sound good?  Unfortunately that’s not the way therapy usually happens for a number of reasons.  Often the cost of therapy keeps many people from being able to get services.  Even if you have insurance, the co-pay can just be too much.  Others can’t get therapy because they don’t have a child psychologist in their community or there is a long wait to get an appointment.  And sadly, some don’t pursue therapy for their kids because they worry about the stigma associated with seeing a psychologist.

So, what’s my answer when people ask me if their child needs therapy?  Usually I tell them to trust their instincts.  As parents, we know our children better than anyone.  If something doesn’t seem right then go with that gut feeling and get help.

But how do you even start?  Here are a few tips to get you headed in the right direction:

Figure out as best you can specifically what you’re concerned about and want help with.  Easier said than done I know, but before you start searching for a therapist you’re going to want to at least have an idea of what you need their help for.  Think about it this way.  Imagine you’ve got a lot of health issues.  Bad knees, poor eye sight, high blood pressure.  But right this very minute you have a fever and sore throat.  When you go to the doctor, you’ll want to fill them in on your entire health history, but what you really want (and need) is some immediate relief for your sore throat!  Getting your blood pressure under control, eyes corrected with glasses, and knee surgery are goals for some future point too, but the most pressing issue is the sore throat.  Think about your child’s issues from that vantage point.  What’s their “sore throat” problem right now?  What’s the biggest concern you have?  You can still get help in other areas, but you need a starting point.

Once you’ve given some thought to the issue you want to address, do some research.  Before you get excited, DO NOT do a Google search.  Repeat after me.  No Google searches.  Instead, find and buy one of the many well written books by child psychologists that teach parents how to address the common problems of childhood at home with your child.  I have a few favorites.  Topics like defiance, anxiety, anger, divorce, and social skills to name a few.  A lot of times those books will take you step by step through a treatment protocol to get your kids back on the right track.  Don’t get me wrong.  They’re not magic!  They require your involvement every step of the way.  But they can be a perfect place to start for solving problems with your child.

If the problem is serious, overwhelming, or you just need more help than a book can offer, then you’ll want to seek the help of a professional.  Depending on the issue, I often tell parents to talk to their child’s pediatrician or school counselor first.  They will be able to provide some immediate assistance and are familiar with your child and the options for therapy in your community.  You’ll also want to check with your insurance to see if they cover therapy services, and if they have providers in your area that you are required to use.  If you’ve done all of that and still need help finding a therapist, try some ‘old school’ methods.  Think word of mouth and the phone book.  Jump to the modern era and you can also find qualified therapists online using a psychologist locator like the one provided by the American Psychological Association.  No matter how you select a psychologist, you’ll want to make sure that they are licensed by your state psychology board or working under the supervision of a licensed psychologist AND that they have specialized in child psychology.

No matter what, don’t forget to trust your instincts.  If you think that you or your child would benefit from talking with a therapist, then go with that gut feeling and get help.  Best of luck!

Recently I answered this question online as a JustAsk Expert at Education.com.  Having gone through this with clients and my own kids, I thought I’d share my response with my readers here as well.

The Question:  How do I save myself from this?  I get bullied constantly.  Other kids call me names and threaten me if I don’t do their homework.  What can I do?

The Answer:  Bullying is a very common problem, and I am so sorry that you are being hurt in this way by your peers.  Bullies can make you feel helpless and alone, but you are NOT alone.

It’s hard to stop bullying on your own, you need the support of an adult who knows what to do.  Whatever you do, don’t try to solve this problem on your own.  There are people all around you who can and WILL help you, so tell an adult that you trust about the name calling, threats, and bullying.

Your parents, a teacher, your principal, or a school counselor are there to help you. Tell them about everything that you have written here so that they can best keep you safe from threats and stop this bullying immediately.

I’m attaching several websites all about what to do when you are being victimized and threatened by a bully.  I hope you look at them to get support for what to do to deal with this, encouragement to talk to a trusted adult in your life, and realization that you are not alone!

If you feel like you need to talk to someone on the phone about what is going on, you can call Childhelp at 1-800-422-4453.  They have counselors available to talk to you 24 hours a day 7 days a week to help you figure out how to stop an abusive situation.

You have done the right thing by reaching out online for help.  Keep that going and tell a trusted adult in your life so that they can help you stay safe and end this terrible situation.

Resources:

StopBullying.gov – How Do I Get Help?

ReachOut.com – What To Do If You Are Being Bullied

Education.com – Bullying At School And Online

Bullying can increase your risk for suicide.  For help you can call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or contact a psychologist in your community.

I wanted to include it here also in case any of you needed more information on how to get help for cutting, for yourself or someone you know.  Unfortunately  cutting is on the rise with 1 in every 200 teen girl having cut themselves.  But cutters aren’t only teens, sometimes younger children or adults cut to relieve their emotional pain.  If you or someone you know has problems with cutting, follow up with the resources below or reach out to a psychologist in your area for help.

The Question:  I need somebody to talk to.  My brain is reeling and the only way I can cope with the thoughts of those bad memories, all of them, that’s all I think about, is by letting them out of my arm. That is the reason for the cuts, for the scars, for everything.  All the pain has caused me to cut myself over and over, leaving the oh so infamous scars.  I’m afraid. My cutting is getting worse.  If I told them my teachers and my “friends” would try to help, but I know there is no going back after that.  They would bring me to more counseling.  I couldn’t take anymore, they would see the scars.  I’m on the verge of suicide, and I have no one to talk to.  Please help me.

My Answer:  Let me start by saying that you have taken the first and hardest step in getting better, asking for help.  You are so brave to have reached out to the online community.  And you have so much insight already about your feelings.  There are so many people that care about you, both people you know and people you don’t even know like me!  And you’re right, talking with someone about what’s going on in your life is the perfect place to start.

Even though it may seem hard, it’s so important that you talk to a trusted adult in your life about your cutting.  Some examples include your parents, a teacher, the school counselor or nurse, a doctor, or a grown up that you feel comfortable sharing with.  Let them know that you have been cutting and want to get help.  If the first person that you tell doesn’t take you seriously or doesn’t help, then try talking to someone else.  Just don’t give up!

Once you tell an adult, they should help you get to a psychologist or a counselor.  Even though you said you had tried that before, it’s worth it to try again.  Maybe you didn’t get along with your first counselor or the two of you just weren’t a good fit.  If that’s the case, you can find a different therapist so that you can start fresh and get the help you need to feel better now.  There is help for you to feel better and to learn to resist cutting.  A trained therapist can teach you the skills you need and be available for you so that you can talk about your feelings.

In addition to telling an adult and seeing a therapist, there are also telephone hotlines available that you can call 24 hours a day to talk to someone about what you’re feeling.  If you’re thinking of hurting yourself, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  If you are being abused or are in danger from being hurt by someone else you can call Child Help 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).  Even kids or teenagers can call these numbers!  No matter what though, if you are ever in danger of being hurt (either by yourself or someone else), you need to get help.  If it is an emergency, call 911.

I am attaching some links for more information about how to help your cutting and about the hotlines you can call.  Keep up the good work of reaching out to education.com and now reach out to an adult in your life who can get you the help you need to get better.  You are so very worth it!  Thank you so much for writing to education.com and for sharing your feelings with us.  I for one am cheering you on (along with the whole education.com community)!

Dear Polly,

My four year old daughter was recently put in time-out at day camp for 20 minutes.  How long is too long and what is the correct way of doing this?

You are right to be concerned!  Twenty minutes is a long time to be in time-out for a 4 year old.  Generally, the length of time-out in minutes should be equal to the age of the child in years.  So, your 4 year old should spend about 4 minutes in time-out.   The minute to age ratio works well at home, school, daycare, camps, and anywhere else your child needs a time-out.

That being said, sometimes if a child is still fussing at the end of time-out, they may be kept in time-out until they calm down.  If the child never calms down though, this practice could lead to an extremely long and stressful time-out.

Now that you’ve had this experience, it’s important for you to talk with your child’s counselor and the director of the day camp to share your concerns.  Many schools and daycares use time-out for discipline, but it’s important to make sure that there is a protocol for how to handle children who are still acting up at the end of the time-out period.  Some ideas for that include:

• Allow the child to sit in time out a second time (that would be a maximum of 8 minutes for your child if they sat in time-out twice in a row)
• Take the child to the principal’s or director’s office
• Give them a different consequence, like 5 minutes of sitting on the bench at the start of recess
• Call the parent

As a parent you have every right to know and understand the discipline policy at your child’s school, daycare, or camp.  Often these policies are reviewed early on in the school year or camp session, but don’t be afraid to ask if you have any questions or lingering concerns.  Your child’s caregiver should be more than happy to discuss this important issue with you.  For more tips on time-out at home visit my post How To Make Time-Out Work For You.  Best of luck!

If you’ve got a question that you’d like to see featured in a future Ask Polly post, just visit my contact page and submit your idea or question.  I look forward to hearing from you!

Question:  Can you really keep up with your child’s technology use? With all the modes of technology, can you really be on top of what your child is doing at any given time? Students text and check Facebook from school. What can you do to truly monitor their usage?

Answer:  Absolutely!  As parents we need to be very aware of what our children are doing on their computers, cell phones, and ipods.  This type of technology is here to stay, so as parents we need to learn all we can about them to protect the safety of our children.  Two of the best things you can do are:

1.  Have open and honest discussions with your kids about internet safety, and your expectations for how they should behave online.

2.  Install internet protection software on all of their computers and mobile devices!  Then you can monitor their usage to make sure they are staying safe online.  Any computers that they use at school will already have this protection installed, but you need to make sure they are equally safe on their home computer, cell phone, and ipod!

For more tips, check out my Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.  Hope it helps you to get started with this all important task.

Best of luck!

Dr. Mehmet Oz and Jeff Arnold, creator of WebMD, founded Sharecare in 2009 in order to “simplify the search for quality healthcare information and provide consumers with the necessary tools to make smart health choices and live healthier lives.”

The mission of Sharecare according to their website “is to answer the world’s questions of health and achieve a collective wisdom by developing a comprehensive database of all of the questions of health and wellness and actively recruiting industry experts to answer them. Leading physicians, nurses, hospitals, clinics, authors, healthcare companies and non-profits connect, interact and share their collective expertise encouraging consumers to ask, learn and act upon questions of health.”

Dr. Oz introduced the Sharecare website on his show recently, encouraging his viewers to visit with their online health questions.  For more on what he has to say about it, check out this video.

Since February, I’ve been answering questions as a psychology expert on Sharecare and thought I’d share some with you.  If you’re interested in seeing my answer to a specific question, just click on the link below and it will take you to the Sharecare site.

While you’re there, take a look around!  Ask a question or two or search for a health topic you’re interested in.  There is a wealth of information there with lots of expert opinions, and it’s a great resource for you to bookmark for all of your online health questions!

• Will my child’s mild behavior problems ever go away?
• How do I know if my child with ADHD has a learning disability?
• What can I do to help in a disaster?
• Who can diagnose ADHD?
• How can I modify my child’s behavior?
• Is there any way I can help my kids get along?
• Is ADHD common today?

The Question:  I am considering beginning to work with sight words with my son. Is four too early? He won’t start kindergarten until he is almost six, and he knows most of the alphabet already.

My Answer:  First of all, pat yourself on the back for doing all you can to get your son ready for kindergarten!  Great job!  When to start working with sight words is different for every child.

Before getting started on words, make sure he knows his upper case and lower case letters.  While you’re at it, you could work on identifying numbers 1 to 10, too.

Then, you’ll want to start teaching him the sounds that each letter makes.  Jumping right in to sight words can be confusing if your child doesn’t understand the sounds that go along with each letter.  You can practice that skill easily with the same alphabet flashcards you’ve probably been practicing with. Just hold one up and say, “What sound does this letter make?”  Same flashcards, just a different question!

After you feel that he’s gotten a good handle on the sounds, then it’s probably time to start with some easy sight words.  I’m attaching a link to some of the words that are most used in kindergarten.  The link even has a printable sheet that you can cut for flashcards.

And of course, throughout it all keep reading to him his favorite stories, so he can see those words in action!

Best of luck and again, great job on giving him the head start he needs!

My favorite part of the website is the JustAsk forum. At JustAsk, parents, teachers, and teens can ask tough questions about parenting, education, and every topic in between. Questions are answered by other parents and teachers who participate in the forum, as well as by experts in education, psychology, medicine, media, and other related fields.

You all know how much I love answering questions on my blog with my Ask Polly series. I’m honored to announce that I was recently selected to serve as an JustAsk Expert at Education.com, where I’ll be answering questions on their JustAsk forum. With more than three million visitors each month, I’m thrilled to be able to share some of my tips and tricks with their readers. I encourage you to check out their site, their facebook page, or follow them on twitter. Like me, I know you’ll be glad you did!

Dear Polly,

My three-year-old daughter has recently begun doing some very dangerous things (i.e. climbing up bookshelves, standing on chairs, getting on tables/dressers). We have told her over and over again not to do these things and explained that she could get hurt very badly, but she continues to do them, right in front of us, after we’ve told her not to. Do you have any tips for how we can get her to stop climbing on everything?

I’m sure you’re wondering how your precious baby turned into a monkey! I feel your pain. My three year old has been doing gymnastics and climbing on everything she shouldn’t since she started walking. It’s a completely normal phase of development. They just want to explore everything! Just like she used to put everything in her mouth, now she wants to try to climb it all!

You won’t be able to stop her climbing, but there are some things you can do to help keep her safe. First, make sure your house is climb-proofed. When she was a baby, you probably covered outlets, locked cabinets, and put up gates. Take a look around your home and make sure you’ve done all you can to keep her from climbing her way into trouble.

Along those same lines, be sure to secure any furniture to the wall that she might attempt to climb, like dresser drawers or bookshelves. Also, keep things off of the tops of surfaces that she is trying to access. If she’s constantly climbing for the same item on top of your office desk, then move it!

Next, purchase a sturdy stool that she can use and encourage her to use it whenever she looks like she’s trying to figure out a way to climb something! By using a sturdy stool, she’ll be more likely to safely access what she’s trying to reach (instead of scaling up the drawers of a dresser!).

Now that you’ve gotten those things taken care of, set up a climbing zone in your home where climbing is safe and acceptable. Be sure to do this in a carpeted area! Find some fun things that she can climb on that aren’t too dangerous. For example, there are plenty of indoor climbers that you can purchase. You might even find that a child size indoor trampoline would help her get her energy out (supervised and on the carpet of course!).

Finally, begin to encourage her to climb in her safe zone. When she goes to climb on something that is not safe, tell her no firmly and then redirect her to her safe zone. This will take some effort on your part at first, but eventually she will get the hang of it.  Also, be sure to give her lots of opportunities for climbing outdoors under your supervision.  You might even need to enroll her in a toddler gymnastics class!  Who knows, you might have a future gold medalist on your hands.

You’re not going to be able to stop her sense of adventure and desire to climb. And really you don’t want to. It’s a natural part of her development. By redirecting her to a safe climbing spot indoors and encouraging safe supervised climbing outdoors, you’ll foster her desire to explore and you’ll have the peace of mind that she’s safe!

If you’ve got a question that you’d like to see featured on Ask Polly, just visit my contact page and submit your idea or question. I look forward to hearing from you!